JEFFREY Archer has gone too far. His loyal, long-suffering wife Mary may have stood by him through bankruptcy, betrayal and political scandals. But surely even she can't let him get away with it this time.

Her husband is a national disgrace. He should hang his head in shame. Never mind the blonde on his arm - how could he wear those thick, sweaty white socks with shorts on the beach?

Our menfolk have been the laughing stock of Europe for too long. Doesn't Jeffrey realise how hard we British women have been struggling to improve their image abroad? We have just persuaded most of them to wear deck shoes or chunky sandals, with no socks, loose-fitting khaki shorts and neutral T-shirts. They were starting to look more cosmopolitan, sophisticated, almost grown-up.

And what does Jeffrey do? Appears all over the front pages of the newspapers in white socks and with tight-fitting shorts. And to finish off, he tucks his T-shirt tightly inside his short shorts, drawing attention to his unattractive paunch. Even the blonde fled the country once she saw the pictures and realised the true horror of it all.

Mary has been standing by her man for too long now. It's time she told him outright: either those socks go, or I do.

NEW research shows vegetables have lost nutritional value since the 1940s. I read the story out over lunch. "Carrots have lost 75 per cent of their magnesium, broccoli 75 per cent of its calcium and sodium has disappeared from runner beans." The children were delighted. "Great. We don't have to eat stupid vegetables any more." Then I broke the really bad news: "No, now you have to eat four times as much to get the same goodness."

LONDON Fashion Week was desperate to shock us again with outfits guaranteed to get on the front pages but which no one would wear. Yet fashion editors gushed over the "whimsical", "sensational" styles. Perhaps one day, a daring youngster, just like the one in the story about the Emperor's new clothes, will stand up and yell: "But you're wrapped in garden wire with bandages round your head, a skull hanging from your neck and a chicken flapping at your bottom. You look ridiculous."

IS the Royal Family really trying to get more in touch with the people? If so, William joining the Bedale Hunt last week probably wasn't a good idea. But even worse was the Palace's treatment of the bullied schoolboy who hitched 150 miles to London because he believed the Queen was the one person in the land who could help him. The little lad didn't even get a glimpse of Her Majesty. He was taken to the kitchens, given a plate of baked beans and sent home. Fairy tales were never like this.

ESTHER Rantzen's trashing of her late husband's ex-wife, who died a year ago, in her autobiography is unbelievably heartless. Patsy and Desmond Wilcox's children are mourning the deaths of two parents. And Esther chooses this moment to reveal their 20-year marriage was a sham and their mother an angry, bitter woman who didn't care for her children. Esther said Patsy should have moved on. Perhaps she should follow this advice herself. Her book sounds as callous and calculated a moneyspinner as Anthea Turner's recent autobiography, which was snubbed by the public and sold just a few copies. And where is Anthea Turner now?

I ADMIRED JK Rowling for refusing to allow the new Harry Potter film to be linked with junk foods. But now Coca-Cola has won the marketing rights. At the press launch, the company stressed its planned Third World literacy schemes, linked to the deal. Very worthy. But it doesn't hide the fact that Coca-Cola is paying a vast sum solely because it wants Harry to help sell our children more of its fizzy, sugary drinks.