THE BBC has reconstructed the face of Jesus Christ - and he's not how we imagined at all. But the makers of the television documentary, The Son Of God, say their image of a swarthy, coarse-featured man with short hair, produced with the aid of computer graphics and the study of ancient Jewish skulls, is closest to the truth.

So who is the bloke with the long hair, blue eyes, pale skin, long face and fine features whose image has mysteriously appeared on everything from the Turin shroud to a piece of toast in Ireland and the wall of a council house someone was plastering on Tyneside?

As I have long suspected, these eerie, bearded apparitions could just as well be images of Jimmy Hill, Richard Branson, or even my old geography teacher. Who's going to queue up and pay to see them now?

ANOTHER illusion was shattered this week when it was revealed that Cleopatra, the Egyptian queen who drove men crazy with desire, was actually short, dumpy and ugly.

What a relief to women everywhere. She may not have been a tall, slim, long-legged Barbie doll, but Cleopatra still managed to break the hearts of powerful leaders like Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, who was so smitten he placed a golden statue of her in the Temple of Venus.

Doesn't this prove what our mothers have always told us - that beauty is only skin deep and true attractiveness is all about personality, wit and humour?

A BOY of 13 from the North-East was among 22 people arrested this week in a crackdown on suspected Internet paedophiles, on suspicion of possessing and distributing obscene material. He has now been released on bail. But, at only 13, isn't he just another victim?

GEORDIE Ridley Scott, whose film Gladiator won best picture Oscar, said of his mother, who died recently: "Obviously, she is still looking after me." Actor Russell Crowe, accepting his Oscar for best actor for his part in the film, paid tribute to his parents, saying: "I don't thank them enough." Their sentiments echo the words of North-East novelist Pat Barker who, in an interview this week, says the main role of a parent is to pass love down to the next generation. Scott and Crowe's parents obviously did just that - and how their children are reaping the benefits now.

TALKING of parental influence, Rod Stewart's 21-year-old actress daughter Kimberley has an interesting view of marriage: "I can imagine being married at least three times - when I'm 24, again at 40 and again when I'm really old, and that will be the person I'll stay with." Still, she's young and nave and has plenty of time to change her mind. After all, why stop at three?

FRIENDS of George Best, who is back on the booze despite being told one more drink could kill him, are urging publicans not to serve him. Best says he should be allowed to do as he wants. Sadly, he is right. We don't ask shops to stop selling cigarettes to those smoking themselves to death. Best enjoys the same freedoms as the rest of us. The only person who can save him now is himself.

AFTER all the usual luvvie antics surrounding the Oscars, how refreshing to read an interview with Sunderland-born actress, and former Bread star, Melanie Hill: "Anyone can act. When actors complain of exhaustion I think, for God's sake, people are clocking up 12-hour shifts in factories. Actors get knackered going to too many parties. Shut up and have an early night." Please, someone, give the girl a chat show, and let her roast a few celebrities.

AFTER seeing pictures of Pamela Anderson in her revealing outfit at the Oscars, and what with this being National Cleavage Day, I can't decide if breasts are in - or out?