'HI. Now look, y'know, because I'm a regular kinda guy, I just wanna level with you and tell you why The Sun decided - sorry, I mean why I decided - to postpone the date of the General Election. But it's not true - it's really not true - that this has anything to do with courting short-term popularity. Of course not.

I admit, of course, that I originally told The Sun (before I told the Queen) I wanted the election to take place on May 3. I consulted with Cabinet colleagues about this in the usual way and then I went to Alistair Campbell and asked him to tell me what I should do. His reply was quite helpful really. He said: "Get this into your thick head, Tony, you've got to go for May 3; all the posters are printed and we've fixed The Times and its intellectual stable-mate The Sun. It's been spun for May, so you'll bloody well go for May - do you understand that?"

"Oh, c'mon Alistair," I said. "I don't want to be accused of putting party before country. I mean, perhaps you've noticed there's a foot-and-mouth epidemic and it wouldn't do us any good at all, y'know, if alongside pictures of weeping farmers and burning carcases my electioneering banana-split smile appeared all over the front pages."

I must say, that once again I found Alistair's reply most helpful.

He said: "Are you really that daft, or summat, Tony? Don't you know the Stock Market's going to take a dive and the country's heading for a slump? Can't you remember our plan was to let Gordon rake in the cash from his stealth taxes, announce a great splurge of expenditure on health and welfare, then hold the election before the financial collapse? We've massaged and spun the figures to make out that the health service and education are doing better than ever under New Labour; but these figures are going to be blown away by independent reports due out in the summer."

I was shocked - I was really shocked. I said: "But Alistair, the health service and the schools are doing a really, really super job under New Labour!"

"You barmy bugger," he said. "How many times have I told you not to believe our own propaganda?" I wasn't upset by all this, not a bit of it. So I phoned a couple of pals on The Guardian and The Independent. And, hey, guess what? They said the same as Alistair! They said: "Tony, this country's going to be in a hell of a mess in a few months. Go for it now and you've another four years for people to forget the mess."

No sooner had I put the phone down than it rang again. It was the editor of The Sun. He told me: "Look Tone, there's been a change-a-plan. You must go for June. I mean, perhaps you've noticed there's a foot-and-mouth epidemic and it wouldn't do you any good at all if, alongside pictures of weeping farmers and burning carcases, your electioneering banana-split smile appeared all over the front pages." It was quite uncanny the way he and I were in complete accord - even to the extent of choosing the same words. So, y'see, I stuck to my decision to put party before country and I rang Alistair to ask him if that was all right. He said: "So that's how you thank me for getting rid of Mandy for you, is it?"

But, well, really, don't let's end on a down beat. There's a joke I invented and it's all over the Commons' bars. We've pinpointed the source of foot-and-mouth. No, it wasn't a Government plot to get the Countryside March cancelled. It started with John Prescott. He's had foot-and-mouth for years. Every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it.

But seriously, y'know y'can trust me. So vote New Labour on June 7, or October 3 or...

Yours ever so truly, Tony.'

Published: Tuesday, April 2, 2001