AREN'T you glad you're not the Totts? Martyn and Kay are the lucky couple who won £3m on the Lottery, only to discover that no, they hadn't actually, because they'd lost the ticket and hadn't claimed within the 30-day limit. Nightmare.

What's worse, it took Camelot seven weeks before they were able to say, sorry, the rules stop us giving you the dosh.

Bad enough never to win. How much, much worse to have such riches almost within you grasp only to have them cruelly snatched away. Tricky, really, to be stoical in such circumstances.

Even more tricky to keep a sense of humour and not blame the other for it. They've already admitted that it has all put a terrific strain on their one-year marriage. Hardly surprising, really.

"Well YOU bought the ticket, where did you put it?"

"Well YOU threw all those bits of paper away. Didn't you look properly?" And so it goes on.

And yet again they go turning out drawers, cupboards, coat pockets and all those odd bins, bowls and teapots where little bits of paper get stuffed out of sight and out of mind. And every time they catch sight of a dry cleaning ticket or a supermarket receipt that, just for a moment, looks like a Lottery ticket, their hearts will lurch and they'll go through it all again.

For the rest of their married life - if, that is, they even continue to have a married life - the Totts will never forget it. Every time they're faced with the gas bill, or the car breaks down, or they can't afford a decent holiday, or when they've had a foul day at work and long to chuck it all in, they will think of that missing Lottery ticket and weep.

The irony is that Camelot apparently is convinced that the Totts are winners. You'd think, therefore, that someone could do something for them.

But Rules are Rules... If you want to win a fortune, you not only have to buy a ticket, but you also have to remember where you put it.

Maybe, just one more look down the back of the sofa.

IF Baby Bonds are meant to end child poverty, then why won't the lucky babies be able to get their sticky fingers on the money until they're 18?

If the Government wants to give poorer children a better chance in this world, then why not spend all that extra money on education? Ultimately, it's a far better way out of poverty than a few thousand pounds on your 18th birthday.

If it wants to encourage poorer families to save, then why not do something about National Savings? The Post Office, for years the bank for little people, now says that you must deposit at least £10 in its most basic account - £20 in others, £25 in special Children's Bonds, £100 in Premium Bonds. For mothers who can just about afford £1 a week out of the Child Benefit, there's nothing. The interest rate on the Ordinary Account - 1.5 per cent - is rubbish too. The much-derided supermarkets do a far better job of catering for small savers than the Government.

Poor children are going to get more than better-off children. So is this Government gifted with second sight? Can it look 18 years into the future and tell who then will be rich and poor?

Will 18-year-olds be allowed to spend the money on what they like? Travel? Cars? A monumental party? And if not, why not?

And if they spend it on education, what's the betting that the Government will put up university tuition fees by just the amount of the matured Baby Bond?

At any fairy story christening, there are always lots of good fairy godmothers who give straightforwardly happy gifts, one bad fairy godmother who's downright evil. And one strange godmother whose gift is a trick that could go either way.

I'll leave you to guess what sort of godmother Gordon Brown might be.

IT'S National Pet Week next week. How can people profess to love animals and keep them in unnatural surroundings, cooped up in cages, kennels or houses, to be let out occasionally only to be petted, patted and mauled over?

If we truly loved animals, we would let them have a far more natural life. For if I said I loved you, you wouldn't expect me to keep you in a cage, would you?

TERRY Wogan is apparently bitter because the BBC has released him from a contract that allowed him to work only for them.

"The BBC doesn't care about me." he has said, complaining about the Corporation's lack of loyalty.

Yes, well. Terry is 63, an age when many men have retired. He's being paid £500,000 a year for his radio show, with the chance of a few TV specials as well. If that's being hard done by, then there's an awful lot of us who wouldn't mind swapping places.

FOR years when I was living in London, the protest at the South African Embassy in Trafalgar Square was part of the scenery. The Embassy was closed up but, day and night, there were pickets there, protests, candlelit vigils.

They were campaigning for a free South Africa, to an end to apartheid, for the freedom of Nelson Mandela. And as we stopped, chatted, gave money, lent some sort of feeble moral support, we never thought they stood a chance. Not really. Not in our lifetime.

Now the South African embassy is open and gleaming once more. Erstwhile pickets at its door are now officials there. And, at the weekend, Nelson Mandela was there on the balcony, beaming and bobbing in time with the crowds at the free concert in the square below, celebrating seven years since the end of apartheid.

Sometimes you feel you've seen history happen. It can be a very good feeling.

Published: 02/05/01