The Ten Greatest TV Questions

These programmes serve to show up the lack of decent new shows while cashing in on ratings-pleasing nostalgia. Some might even call it lazy TV, although researchers and producers packaging the clips and comments wouldn't agree with that.

To enter into the spirit we present The Ten Greatest TV Questions. Such as ...

1 Why are advertisements and trailers so much louder than the programmes themselves?

Simple, to attract your attention. Advertisers pay the bills so it's important viewers don't ignore commercials. As yet, however, they've not found a way of stopping you using the fast forward button on the remote on the video.

2 Why aren't British sit-coms funny any more?

This is highlighted by the constant re-runs of classics like Dad's Army, The Good Life and Only Fools And Horses. These are still funny no matter how many times you sit and watch them. The new breed of sit-coms are likely to send you screaming, with horror not laughter, from the room. ITV's track record is poor (your starter for ten: name three classic ITV comedies). Since losing Men Behaving Badly to the BBC, ITV has given up trying - which is what their new Richard Wilson series High Stakes is, very trying. The BBC has a reputation of letting a comedy run for several series until it finds its feet but newcomers have been dying on their feet. Lee Evans - So What Now? (a decent script, perhaps), Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino Years and Office Gossip are among recent dead losses. US imports, like Frasier and Malcolm In The Middle, are so much better than anything this country is producing.

3 Why is Ken Barlow so successful with women?

For a portly, elderly ex-teacher turned supermarket trolley-collector, Ken does remarkably well with the ladies. No woman is apparently beyond our Ken. Bespectacled Deirdre, now serving her second term of imprisonment chez Barlow, can be forgiven on account of poor eyesight and woeful taste in men. Potential Mrs Barlows should be aware that Ken is like a black widow spider whose mates die after sex. Wife number one electrocuted herself with a hairdryer. Wife number two killed herself. And poor Alma, who only kissed him, has a fatal illness.

4 Why are reporters always portrayed as ruthless, conniving, hard-bitten con-men and women with no scruples who'll stoop to anything to get a story?

Nothing could be further from the truth, of course. Journalists in soaps only ever have one story at a time to cover, never go into the office, don't have to answer to news editors and have limitless expenses to spend in the Queen Vic. They always carry a notebook and pencil in their hand to signify they are reporters.

5 Why didn't Channel 4 re-commission North Square?

Easily the best drama series for ages, the legal eagles show was dumped after one series because of poor ratings. Channel 4 executives didn't stop to think they might have got the scheduling wrong or not promoted the series enough. The Royal Television Society had the right idea by giving North Square several awards. The good news is that the BBC is planning a spin-off series featuring Phil Davis.

6 Why don't they repeat programmes we want to see on the terrestrial channels?

Because they need all the material they can find to fill the increasing number of cable and satellite channels watched by one man and his dog.

7 Why am I addicted to the prison drama Bad Girls?

Stories about women behind bars have always appealed to men, something Freud would have a field day explaining. ITV's Bad Girls has aspirations to tell prison life like it is and raise social issues associated with locking women away. But what fans want is Shell behaving badly, officer Sylvia to get her comeuppance (lacing her drink with Ecstasy was a good start and wait until you see what they do to her on Tuesday, I'll just say that a coffin is involved) and screw Jim Fenner living up to his job description by sleeping with the governor and inmates. High camp, low drama, call it what you will - it's unmissable, even only to tell people, "I'm going home to curl up with some Bad Girls tonight".

8 Why is smut so popular on the television?

Nothing causes ratings to rise as much sex, especially if the nudity and/or sexual activity content is well publicised in advance. Some programmes are dressed up as art but most are blatant exploitation. C5 showed that programmes about sex are a source of thrills as cheap as the budget and ratings as big as the bosoms of the females featured. With a series like Real Sex (next week: a visit to an erotic mud bath) the aim is to go as far as possible with all the stripping and stroking without a rap over the knuckles from the TV watchdogs.

9 Why are the same old faces employed as presenters?

They're usually called Carol (Smillie or Vorderman, take your pick) although a Davina has slipped through the net. So has Jayne, whose Geordie accent seems to be getting more pronounced with every appearance. They used to be called Anthea or Vanessa but nobody wants to know them these days. They can only get noticed by having themselves locked up in a house for a week and crying a lot.

10 What is your greatest TV question?

We want to know what makes you mystified, angry, bored or just plain puzzled. Write or email to Features, The Northern Echo, Priestgate, Darlington DL1 1NF.

* The 100 Greatest TV Characters: C4, Saturday and Sunday, 9pm.

Published: 04/05/01