THEY used to say that in Mike Gatting's case OBE stood for Obese Branston Eater. With Darren Gough it's Only Bowls for England, or it could be Ostracised Barnsley Exile.

No, that's going a bit far. I'm sure our greatest fast bowler is still very welcome in Barnsley, even if he does prefer to live in Buckinghamshire.

Gough has caused a bit of a stir by bowling poorly for Yorkshire in their C & G Trophy match against Surrey (they still won) then appearing in a charity match in Surrey last Sunday while missing the Tykes' game at Scarborough.

Getting from Barnsley to Scarborough is no great sweat, but the ten-hour round trip from Buckinghamshire would not have been ideal preparation before joining up with the England squad to prepare for the second Test.

Scoring a few runs and bowling off two paces in a relaxed setting in the company of his family was probably just what the doctor ordered for Gough.

But it sent out the wrong signals after Yorkshire said he was jaded. It will be interesting to see if they select him for next week's C & G quarter-final. After all, with their battery of pacemen the days when they could whistle down the nearest pit for a fast bowler don't seem too far distant. They hardly need one who finds more fizz in Bucks.

UNLIKE Jean van de Velde at Carnoustie two years ago, you wouldn't have to take your shoes and socks off to count the North-East golfers who have qualified for the Open in the last 20 years. One hand would probably suffice.

Former amateur champion Graeme Storm, Middlesbrough amateur Jonathan Lupton and ex Durham County champion Richard Walker all went within three or four strokes at final qualifying last Sunday. But that was as close as it got.

Van de Velde, meanwhile, eased through at Southport and Ainsdale, underlining how tough it can be to get into an event for which he should have had 20 years' exemption had he not handed the title to Paul Lawrie at Carnoustie.

Ryder Cup captain Sam Torrance failed to make it then whinged about the lack of stewarding.

At least things have progressed a bit since Maurice Flitcroft, a crane driver from Barrow, regularly used to con his way into Open qualifying under outrageous pseudonyms.

After once entering as a Swiss professional, it was only after taking a nine at the par four ninth that he was removed from the course, whereupon he claimed: "I was just starting to play well."

LEGAL snouts feasting at the sporting trough really get up my nose - especially when they are defending the indefensible.

It now seems that Hansie Cronje's heavyweight legal team will be able to overturn his life ban from cricket, seriously undermining sport's right to police itself.

This revelation was swiftly followed this week by the MCC's first Spirit of Cricket evening, at which Richie Benaud gave the Cowdrey Memorial Lecture.

Colin Cowdrey more than anyone personified the spirit of the game and will doubtless turn in his grave if Cronje is pardoned.

Benaud said: "I've spent nearly every living, working hour figuring out how to win cricket matches, only to find there are bastards out there figuring out how to lose them."

Actually, Richie, Cronje didn't have to do much figuring, apart from adding up his ill-gotten gains.

IT occurred to me when the England rugby team thrashed Wales that the Lions had chosen the wrong coach.

England's hugely successful method last season was based on looking for space, which the Lions rarely did.

Even allowing for their lack of quality ball last Saturday they still played it short too often instead of trying to put their dangerous runners, Brian O'Driscoll and Jason Robinson, into space.

O'Driscoll hardly had a sniff, which was a waste of a huge talent.

Say what you like about his timing, I always suspected Matt Dawson would be proved right in his criticism of the Lions management. Failure to score a point in the last 20 minutes in all three Tests reinforced the impression that they were over-trained and when it came to the crunch there was not enough left in the tank.

SO, Juan Antonio Samaranch got his wish when Beijing was chosen to host the 2008 Olympics. Samaranch then handed over the presideny of the IOC after presiding over a great deal of sleaze.

Already some disabled athletes have said they will not be attending the Paralympics in Beijing because of China's human rights record, and we can only hope that being awarded the games persuades the Chinese to put their house in order.

It will be interesting to see if they go ahead with their proposal to take the Olympic flame to the top of Everest. Or was it just a publicity stunt?