FASHION and fatherhood just don't mix. Dads are simply not trendy. It's not in the job description. It's only a matter of time before they start wearing cardies. Even worse, dads cannot possibly approve of what their children wear.

I was listening to a dad the other day. He is about to go on holiday and had been dragged out on a shopping expedition to Newcastle by his wife.

"Why have we got to go shopping?" he asked. "We need new clothes for our holiday," his wife replied.

"We're going to a Greek island. We'll be wearing T-shirts and shorts."

It was an argument he was never going to win. It was when his teenage daughter insisted on spending £20 on a designer T-shirt that he got really upset. "What's wrong with a £2.50 T-shirt?" he asked.

"People will see me," she hissed through gritted teeth.

"But we'll be on a Greek island - no one will know you," he cried out.

A friend was telling me recently how his teenage son had wanted to buy a pair of bell-bottomed jeans and had ended up in a screaming fit because his dad had told him: "You're not wearing them - you'll look like a clown."

It struck me that these were the exact words my own dad used when I came home with a pair of blue and yellow flares, with silver studs down the legs. That was 20 years ago, I hasten to add.

Anyway, I've listened to all of this with a keen eye on the future. But who am I kidding? My four children aren't teenagers yet, but fashion is already a growing trend.

The boys insist on wearing those camouflaged trousers, my eldest son walks round in a blue string vest, they turn their noses up at sensible coats, and their sister almost throws up if it's suggested that she wears anything pink.

And then there's Max. Max is the youngest, aged four, and probably our biggest challenge yet. He had a foot-stamping tantrum the other day because he didn't want to go to nursery in the clothes he'd been dressed in. He tolerates "short-sleeved trousers" (that's how he describes shorts), but he definitely doesn't like short-sleeved shirts.

"Hate them, hate them," he yelled.

"But why, Max? It's hot and short-sleeves are much cooler," reasoned his Mum.

"No, no, no. Hate them."

"Don't be silly, they're nice and cool."

"Hate them."

"Why do you hate them?"

"Because there's nowhere to wipe my nose," he explained.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

THE Dad At Large Roadshow has visited some wonderful places but few as beautiful as Eastgate in Weardale. The stories up there are glorious too. Thirty five years ago, Gordon McGrath was playing Santa at in Stanhope Working Men's Club. It was "a big do" but eventually it was his son James's turn. James, five at the time, sat on Santa's knee, and didn't for one second recognise the face behind the luxuriant whiskers.

But something was clearly worrying him when he returned to his mum. "Did you lock the door when we came out?" he asked.

"Yes, why?" she wondered.

"Because that Santa's got me Dad's shoes and watch on," he replied.

l Santa Gordon sadly died suddenly earlier this year. Many thanks to his widow Muriel for telling me this delightful story at a meeting of Eastgate WI.

James is 40 now and living in Witton-le-Wear. His own little boy, Alexander, was being inducted at school and having all his information taken down by the teachers - name, address and so on.

"Where does your Grandma and Granddad live?" he was asked.

"Well, Granda lives in Stanhope but Grandma lives at the MetroCentre," Alexander said.

Published: Friday, July 27, 2001