PERHAPS if someone developed an anti-perspirant for cricket pitches it would save the ECB their £500 outlay on sending Raman Subba Row on a pointless visit to Chester-le-Street every August.
The former England batsman observed that the pitch on which 24 wickets fell on Thursday had "sweated" under the covers for two days, which was the same reason given when the pitch for the Norwich Union League game against Glamorgan was criticised by visiting captain Steve James.
In fact, had Subba Row been present on Thursday he would have realised that swing through the air, rather than the sweaty pitch, was the cause of the batsmen's difficulties.
He dropped into the Press box on Friday partly to inform us that he was not allowed to speak to us, which was jolly decent of him.
Subba Row is a name you don't forget and I remember him playing in the first Test match I saw, at Headingley in 1961, when Freddie Trueman bowled England to an eight-wicket win against Australia.
Subba Row opened the batting in all five Tests and topped the England averages with 468 runs at 46.8 then retired from first-class cricket at the age of 30.
He said he had been to the Riverside early last season, but it was in fact at exactly the same time of year. Play had begun after tea on the first day against Kent and on the second day 15 wickets fell. Conditions then eased and Subba Row was present to see Ed Smith score 175 in Kent's second innings.
Then, as now, he had no option but to recommend that no action be taken.
What a pity he wasn't consulted by his former England teammate Ted Dexter before an ill-informed piece was penned by Dexter for Saturday's Daily Telegraph.
He lifted my quote from Durham's James Brinkley, saying: "The pitch is fine," Dexter adding his own observation: "Well, he would say that wouldn't he?"
Dexter further undermined his own credibility with an attack on counties for not making the best players available for Under 19 Tests.
From my own conversations with Martyn Moxon I understand that it was the England hierarchy who decided people like Nicky Peng would be better off continuing to play first-class cricket.
They have subsequently messed around by drafting in Peng for the first Test against the West Indies but releasing him from the second.
BACK on the subject of pitches, I wonder if a pitch liaison officer has wandered out to the middle at Lord's recently.
On Durham's visit they lost the toss, had to follow on and lost by an innings, and now the same has happened to Middlesex against Gloucestershire.
It makes a bit of a mockery of the bonus points system that Middlesex gained even one point from the contest as Gloucestershire declared on 400 for three.
Middlesex don't look worthy of division one, although they have done better than expected after losing Mark Ramprakash, Keith Dutch and Richard Johnson.
Anyone who saw Dutch's 61 not out pull the C & G Trophy semi-final out of the fire for Somerset on Saturday should not have been surprised. He did exactly the same to Durham at Southgate in a NatWest Trophy match three years ago, when Middlesex were 129 for seven chasing 240 and Dutch made 49 not out.
THE Riverside's biggest crowd of the season - more then 4,000 - is expected for Wednesday night's floodlit match against Hampshire.
Spectators are invited to attend in fancy dress. I'm slightly too old to go for the under 12 prize of a three-night family cruise to Norway, which seems far preferable to the year's supply of Carlsberg offered for males over 18. Perhaps they think all floodlit cricket watchers are lager louts.
There's a digital camera on offer for 12-17-year-olds, and dinner, bed and breakfast for two at Matfen Hall, near Corbridge, for females over 18.
There's also a chance to take part in Norwich Union Rollerball, said to be the equivalent of a human hamster ball.
The winner on the night will receive £100 and there's a chance to reach the Grand Final where the prize is £10,000.
Play starts at 4.10 and tickets for non-members are £10 (£5 juniors). A family ticket for two adults and three children costs £25.
DANNY Law was Durham's Player of the Month for July and received a £500 Dunhill Millennium watch from Goldsmiths.
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