How To Be A Gardener (BBC2) - NOW I understand why they're called flower beds. As Alan Titchmarsh told us at the start of his back-to-basics gardening guide, it's all about sex.

This point was reinforced by shots of petals unfurling, phallic-shaped stems thrusting upwards and flowers blooming provocatively as Je t'aime played on the soundtrack.

Garden beds are "the centre of shameless sexual activity" as plants parade their sex appeal in order to get pollinated and have babies. Titchmarsh, clearly auditioning for a role in the Plant Lovers' Guide video, laid down the rules for foreplay - water, light and good nutritious stuff to grow in.

"This is well-rotted horse manure," he declared, running the mucky stuff through his fingers and sniffing it. So, the answer really does lie in the soil. "You've seen one clod and you've seen them all," he said, a reference to the lump of earth he was holding not himself.

As other gardening programmes get more and more exotic, Titchmarsh has done a Delia and gone back to the beginning. How To Be A Gardener is his answer to Delia Smith's How To Cook. Pay attention to the basics and the rest will follow, is the general message.

He promises that over the next six weeks there won't be any decking, patios or water features in sight. How will he cope without Charlie to do all the heavy spade work and lug lumps of concrete around?

All you need to be a good gardener, he told us, is six tools (and, presumably, a garden). A knowledge of horticultural terms is useful too. Double digging is also known as bastard trenching, so the next time you hear your neighbour muttering obscenities on the other side of the garden fence don't automatically assume he's swearing at a loved one.