I HAVE sat through the Church of England's touchy feely new Common Worship marriage service and squirmed with embarrassment as the priest prayed that the couple, "be tender with each other's dreams".

There ought to be an added rubric in the margin at this point saying: "The congregation shall here throw up - bride's mother's side first."

Now the Methodists have produced a prayer book hilarious enough to make the C of E look almost serious. Vows and Partings includes "prayers for when a relationship is at an end". After a divorce, for example: "Merciful God, we knew everything wasn't right, but we never dreamt it would come to this." For insouciance it reminds me of the Scots Presbyterians who find themselves in hell: "Lord, we did nae ken!" And the voice from heaven: "Ye ken the noo!"

I know human beings have dumbed down a lot recently, but this book tells us to talk to God as if he has dumbed down too. "I looked forward to retirement day with anticipation. NO MORE WORK! Some people my age were apprehensive about retiring. 'I enjoy my job,' they would say. 'I spend time with my mates at lunchtime, and on Friday evenings we have a drink together. I don't want to retire'. Not me! I couldn't wait. NO MORE WORK!"

All that's missing from the section on growing older is a prayer of thanksgiving after a visit to the loo. We are urged to say: "Once I could run and jump. Now my joints are stiff." I'm surprised those growing old are not told to add also: "And behold, my pencil lacketh lead."

Parents should pray that their children will know, "that when they fall over, my hand will reach for the sticking plaster." Anyone gormless enough to pray that, should pray for the smelling salts. I always believed that when life goes wrong I should examine my own heart, but here we are encouraged to put the blame on others. "show those who hindered and resented me that they bear some responsibility for what happened and let me tell my side of the story." Does this derive from an extract from some lost gospel, I wonder - The Sermon on the Sulk, perhaps? And behold, he saith unto them, Blame thy neighbour, and not thyself.

There is a prayer "for a parent whose son or daughter comes out": "Gracious God, we need your help: a child of our own flesh and blood claims to be gay." What's the answer? Give him a subscription to Gay Times? Anyhow, "gay" was not the word God used when he spoke to Moses on the matter in the Book of Leviticus. There is a prayer for when a teenager leaves home: "An empty place at the table, silence from the bedroom - no loud music. Clothes no longer strewn on the floor." But is this a lament or a thanksgiving? No, it's only sentimental like the rest of the silly book.

I think we traditionalists should fight back with our own book: Prayers for Not Very Significant Occasions. Before a meal at that dodgy Mexican restaurant down town: "From salmonella, botulism and Montezuma's revenge, Good Lord deliver us."

Published: Tuesday, February 26, 2002