STEPHEN Byers, Transport Secretary, October 7, 2001: "I can say for certain there will be no taxpayers' money made available to support shareholders (of Railtrack)."

Stephen Byers, still - somehow - Transport Secretary, March 26, 2002: a £300m "self-financing grant" of taxpayers' money will support Railtrack shareholders in their hour of need.

It is entirely appropriate that Mr Byers should choose to make his epic u-turn in the week that Margaret Thatcher retired from speech-making. It was she who brought the concept to public prominence with her 1980 Brighton conference speech. She said: "You turn if you want; the lady's not for turning." (This, incidentally, was stolen from a 1949 play entitled The Lady's Not For Burning.)

Like the phrase "spin doctor", the u-turn is an American import as it was applied to US politicians from 1961. The Baltimore Sun was the first newspaper to use the phrase when, in 1937, it said that its mayor "will enforce new ordinances barring u-turns in the public square".

The u-turn was, of course, only made possible by the advent of the motor car - the railway engine not being able to perform such a manoeuvre. Although Mr Byers seems even to have re-written this rule.

NO u-turns in France, though, where front-runners for the French presidency, Lionel Jospin and Jacques Chirac, have said that, should they win on May 5, they will follow the tradition of wiping out all outstanding fines for minor traffic offences.

This amnesty means that Renaults and Citroens are being parked wherever their owners feel like it. Chaos is ensuing, but it'd make the mayoral elections in Middlesbrough, Hartlepool and North Tyneside much more interesting if Sylvia Connolly or Ray Mallon were to promise the same.

IF, having first practised on the congregation at Liza Minnelli's wedding, a divine thunderbolt were to have struck the Oscars on Sunday night, wiping out all the self-obsessed and tear-stained celebs inside, would the world have been any the poorer?

THE World Cup is just 64 days away, and the excitement is already mounting. The best part of the World Cup is not the football, but the fascinating silliness that surrounds it.

Last night, the Italians gave the first outing to their new, highly-elasticated shirt which stretches 40 per cent further than any other football kit known to man. "The next time Francesco Totti is pulled back by a foreign player, the most highly-paid thighs in Italy will continue to power forward as his opponent watches the shirt he is holding stretch into infinity," explained an Italian newspaper.

When the offending foreigner releases the shirt, it zaps back onto the body with a loud "ping" that is audible to even to the most blind referee.

The other joys of the World Cup will include silly haircuts - bookmakers are offering 7-2 on David Beckham having either a mohican or a mullet for England's opening match - and silly names. Totti is always worth a snigger, and on Tuesday night the Italian Under 21 goalscorer was Massimo Maccarone.

Sadly, no radio commentator had the courage to say "Maccarone pasta ball into the net" which would have put him up there with Kenneth Wolstenholme.