MY mission was a failure. I had been planning to put the numbers 007 after my name but, after completing the spy training course at the new James Bond exhibition, it's more a case of oh-oh-dear.
My efforts were more George Lazenby, who played the screen Bond just once before getting the sack, than Sean Connery, generally acknowledged as the best screen impersonation of Ian Fleming's secret agent.
The young cinemagoers who make up the majority of today's audience weren't even more born 40 years ago when the first Bond screen adaptation Dr No was released. I well remember having to persuade my mother to take me as the film carried the old A certificate, meaning anyone under 16 had to be accompanied by an adult.
Bond, James Bond - now showing at the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television in Bradford - is a fitting tribute to four decades of Mr Kiss-Kiss-Bang-Bang on the big screen, although the constant screenings on TV have brought the Bond legend to new generations on the small screen.
For once, the North gets something before the South. The exhibition premieres in Bradford and then moves to its sister institution, the Science Museum in London, in October. After that it will tour internationally.
The opening attracted a host of Bond people, from Michael G Wilson, executive producer of the 20th 007 adventure Die Another Day, currently in production, through film-maker Guy Hamilton, who directed both Connery and Roger Moore in the role, to several Bond girls and Bond baddies.
The stylish exhibition doesn't just feature gadgets, vehicles and images celebrating the behind-the-scenes talents involved in putting the James Bond films on screen.Visitors become would-be agents, armed not with a gun but a hi-tech swipe card enabling them to gather intelligence from video displays and computer interactives - and hopefully gain superagent status.
Perhaps that was where I made my mistake. At the M16 Registration Point, you must chose a level of competence at which to aim for: easy (junior agent), moderate (general agent) or hard (superagent). I opted for the hardest. And while answering questions about the characters in Bond was simple enough, I failed dismally in other tests. As agent 108899 - a bit more of a mouthful than the short, snappy 007 - I failed such missions as cracking the combination of a safe and defusing a bomb.
Surrounded by worldwide poster artwork in the debrief module, I swiped my card for my agent data to be analysed. The word POOR flashed on to the screen. My knowledge and powers of observation, the report noted, were not up to the standard required for Bond-like status. Based on my performance, I was downgraded to trainee agent. The experience left me, like one of Bond's favourite cocktails, shaken but not stirred. I wonder if Goldfinger or Dr No have any openings for failed British spies.
Even if you fail the mission - and the success rate by journalists at the press preview was not impressive - the exhibition offers plenty to see and do on the trail of the Bond films which, producer Barbara Broccoli, acknowledges as a "global, but very British, success".
The description of the exhibition by Head of Museum Amanda Nevill as "a truly authoritative, behind-the-scenes interpretation of a major cultural force" makes it sound much more serious than it is. Part of the success of the Bond films is that they are escapist fun - full of guns, girls and gadgets while never losing a sense of humour. The exhibition reflects this. It's conceived like a Bond movie, a series of modules that mirror the Bond formula.
The start sets the scene with film of the Cold War era in which Bond was born, screened on a chunk of the Berlin Wall. You pass through the gun barrel tunnel, familiar from the films' opening titles, into a presentation of those fantastic title sequences featuring guns and girls as the credit flash on screen.
Then on into M's office. You do wonder about his fitness to be head of the secret service as he leaves top secret files lying around. Like the one labelled Thunderball on his desk. There's time to have a sneaky look at this very sensitive file, go through his drawers and pick up the red phone on his desk before registering for your mission "to find out about those who have made James Bond what he is".
In Q's workshop, original plans and drawings surround objects from the films, such as 007's Omega laser watch, the crocodile submarine and Acrostar Jet from Octopussy. Suitably equipped, you experience a death-defying stunt involving hanging from San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge, a recreation of climactic scene from A View To A Kill. All around are VDUs where you can log in, extract information about the film, watch excerpts and learn the secrets from the backstage experts. Many of the famous stunts and chases are explained in detail in storyboards, models and film clips.
Step into the psychedelic funhouse from The Man With The Golden Gun but beware, hiding inside are some of Bond's deadly adversaries. Or at least, their unusual methods of killing are on show. Oddjob's bowler hat, Jaws' metal teeth and - my favourite - Rosa Klebb's flick-knife shoes as seen in From Russia With Love. The Golden Gun used by Scaramanga is there too.
Examples of costumes from the films demonstrate that Bond girls must be among the best dressed on the screen. And no Bond experience would be complete without the explosive grand finale, the one in which the villain's hideaway is blown up in a most spectacular fashion.
Stand at the reactor control panel as disaster strikes in a fusion of flashing lights, alarm bells, bubbling water and loud explosions as all hell breaks loose and Bond wins the day - again.
* Bond, James Bond continues at the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television in Bradford until September 1. Open Tuesday to Sunday 10am to 6pm, also Bank Holiday Monday. Admission £6, £4.50 concessions. Box office (01274) 202030.
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