THE BBC is to put on a contemporary version of Emily Bronte's great novel Wuthering Heights.

Only they're going to cast the ultra-macho demon lover Heathcliff as a woman and Catherine Earnshaw as a middle-class man. It makes you wonder what the dialogue will be like. Not, presumably:

"Ee, Cathy lass, it's fair siling it down and a' can see t'moon comin' up over Blubber 'ouses. Let's 'ave a canter on't t'moor".

In the new version, he/she's likely to reply, "Actually darling, I'd rather we took a stroll into Harrogate and enjoyed afternoon tea at Betty's caf".

This brilliant BBC idea to update creatively books and films from the past has inspired me to try my hand at the same game. Who knows, perhaps I'll get my work on television too? I thought I'd start with a completely fresh version of Attila the Hun with Petula Clarke as Attila. Scene one opens with Petula and her horde of Huns (played by the Cheltenham Ladies' Choir) descending on Rome singing: "Downtown, Rome's for the sacking... downtown."

Some of the greatest literature in the world is to be found in the Russian novels of the 19th Century, such as the powerful love story Anna Karenina. It's a pity Tolstoy was such an unreconstructed reactionary. He never had half the talent of today's BBC Drama Department, who would surely have the brilliant inspiration of casting Arnold Schwarzeneggar as Anna and Whoopi Goldberg as the Count. Probably not: it would still be too elitist.

A spokesperson from the new BBC Drama Department's thought police (Newspeak Section) generously gave me an interview. He/she said: "There were of course some great writers in the past, but far too many of them were men - and they were white and middle-class. Here in the Corrective Studio we aim to improve the works of these politically backward authors and so make them accessible for today's generation. Shakespeare, for instance, has to be translated so he can speak to the mobile-phoner-in-the-street. As it happens, you're in luck. We're just making a sensational new version of King Lear."

Rudely, I interrupted: "You mean the play in which Edgar speaks about "the gradeliest star that ever twinkled on my bastardising"?

"Well, yes. I mean, no. Not exactly. We've made over that bit so he (to be played by Winona Ryder, incidentally) says: 'The astrological vibe that was around - according to The Sunday Times' horoscope column - when I was first a love-child...' And the parts of Lear's daughters will be taken by Bruce Lee, Clint Eastwood and Robbie Coltrane - with Nicole Kidman as Lear herself".

The spokesperson assured me: "Don't think we're planning to put on only the works of dead white males from the boring classics. There are some wonderful modern works which require only the merest touch of rewriting. Night of the Living Dead for example, in which the victims holed up in the cabin are male chauvinists from the Carlton Club and the zombies are a cast of thousands assembled from Woman's Hour, You and Yours and Midweek with Libby Purves."

Published: 02/04/2002