AS IF in response to a major emergency, a metaphor which may not be inappropriate, offers of First Aid in English have been arriving from all directions.

It's the book, briefly re-opened in recent columns, which helped us through the fundamental 50s at Timothy Hackworth Juniors - not brain surgery, more stitches in time.

In these less reverent days, perhaps, it would be sub-titled A Kick Up the Parse.

Even the "New" First Aid in English is a book of bushels and pecks, of florins, threepenny pieces and pennies that weigh three to an ounce, a book so politically prehistoric that "lunatics" live in "asylums" and "natives" hunt in "tribes".

It is a book of antonym and homonym, of prefix, pronoun and of prepositions that can't be refused, a book in which it may be learned that the feminine of "coster" is "donah" and that a group of herons is a siege.

It is a book, claims Angus Maciver's preface, which seeks to address "a difficult period in scholastic life", an educational Elastoplast which many are prepared to lend but only one will give away.

"I wouldn't part with it for worlds," writes Chris Eddowes, from Hartlepool, and yet - curiously disappointing - it has limped a little through time.

JANIS Bright is circumspect, too. "It was with a heavy heart that I dug out that dreaded tome," she writes.

In it - "no wonder Stanghow Lane Primary produced some peculiar kids" - she discovered that it is a smuck of jellyfish and ("tragically") a fall of woodcocks, that "to have a crow to pluck" means having a score to settle and that the list of proverbs includes "Ducks lay eggs, geese lay wagers."

You'd not bet on many having heard that one, not even in Stanghow Secondary.

Since Neil Rogers ("willing to loan") had an e-mail address which suggested he was a teacher, we wrote back asking what he made of it.

Both Neil and his wife had taught in Darlington before taking early retirement in 1994 and had "rescued" a copy before it vanished from the educational radar screen. "It proved a very handy reference book when we continued to teach grammar against the trends," he said.

Thanks also to Jim Cruickshank, Tony Magee and Sylvia Stelling but it was Christine Moreland who was first to arrive with the First Aid kit.

CHRISTINE Eleanor, as then she was, was in the year above us at Timothy Hackworth in Shildon, Mr Patrick's class instead of Mr Coates's. It is a big, rock solid, red brick school, opened (memory suggests) in 1911 and known for most of its life as Tin Tacks.

Brass Tacks might have been more appropriate.

Christine's still in Shildon, works for the town council, considered it essential that her daughters had access throughout their early learning to the blue paperback with the red cross on the cover.

"If you want to borrow it," she said - and we wanted to borrow it so badly that we nipped out on Saturday morning - "you'll have to provide a receipt..."

IT seems disappointing because there are great platoons of periphera and barely half a page of punctuation, because the section on the ill-used apostrophe is equally inadequate and because of the contention that whilst "It is I" is correct, universal practice also allows "It is me".

Not around here it doesn't, or at Timothy Hackworth Juniors, either.

It is also disappointing because too much is to do with general knowledge, even the Highway Code, and too little with educated English.

Since Angus Maciver insisted, however, that all material was "within the range of the average (primary school) pupil", the remainder of this lesson will be given over to a short test.

For the average Gadfly reader, therefore, it should be as easy as Pythagoras.

45-48 - First Aid first class.

40-44 - Don't panic, don't panic.

30-39 - Just passing the scholarship.

20-29 - suitable case for treatment.

Under 20 - dial 999 and ask for Mr Angus Maciver.

FIRST AID IN ENGLISH: THE TEST

1. What is the plural of a) dwarf, b) solo, c) loaf, d) reef and e) piano?

2. What is the plural of a) passer-by, b) brother-in-law, c) mouse-trap, d) man-of-war and e) cupful?

3. What is the feminine form of a) sultan, b) proprietor, c) sloven, d) ogre and e) Blackfellow (an Australian Aboriginal)?

4. What is the name for the young of a) a hare, b) a pigeon, c) an elephant, d) a leopard and e) a red deer?

5. Which animals or birds would collectively be known as a) a clowder, b) a stand, c) a skulk, d) a sloth and e) a paddling?

6. What is wrong with the following sentences? a) She was the oldest of the two sisters. b) It's no use me working. c) I was that tired I could hardly of spoken. d) He couldn't remember nothing. e) Being a fine day I went to the seashore.

7. Complete the following proverbs: a) A great cry and.... b) A pet lamb is.... c) Far from court, far from.... d) Listeners hear no good.... e) Kettle calling the pan....

8. What is the national emblem of a) New Zealand b) the USA, c) Japan d) Spain e) Turkey.

9. Name the original Seven Wonders of the World.

10. On one side of my street the houses all have odd numbers, ending with the baker's, which is number 17. On the other side the numbers are all even, ending with the draper's, which is number 18. Fred Thompson is my next-door neighbour and his house is number 10. You pass my house when walking from the draper's to Fred's house. What number is my house?

Much remains to be ventilated. There is an interesting letter on Wee Willie Winkie's hidden depths, a learned discourse on the meaning of the dialect term "charver", some splendid illustrations of Store horses and other matters which needs must await their turn. More parse for the course next week.

Published: 03/04/2002