Bagels, baguettes and buns

We've mentioned it before, chiefly because of the desert rat heroics in introducing real ale, even beer festivals, to the most barren wastes since the Babylonian back of beyond.

Now, however, the Uplands is ready to claim the high ground as far as a critical eye might see - inspired revamp, immaculately maintained beer, meticulous housekeeping, reasonably priced and often imaginative food, smiling staff.

Three of us looked in on an end of season Saturday lunchtime: officially it's in Acacia Gardens, which sounds like something from a Sixties' sitcom, navigationally it's a little trickier.

In broad terms, it's half a mile above the town centre, follow the Tow Law and Stanley road and turn left at the Farrers Arms. A better bet may be to catch the number one bus from Darlington, which judders improbably past the door.

It's owned by Kingslodge Developments, headed by Spennymoor lad Mike Williams, whom we knew when he had nowt. The company also has several other Co Durham pubs, the Kingslodge Hotel in Durham and the former Top Hat night club - now the Cube - in Spennymoor. Mike even recalls attending the Top Hat's opening with his father, a local headmaster - "all top hat and tails in those days".

Surprisingly few were in the Uplands, until the Flynn family landed down from Tow Law and made the place look busy.

Food in the airy and informal conservatory/lounge is precisely what pub grub should be, including a wide choice of bagels, baguettes and buns - you could almost set it to music.

That's really what Kingslodge have done - taken a flat and fading old pub and hotel and made it sing and dance again.

B's knees, we all are from the left hand side of the menu, augmented by a huge bowl of good chips. The blue bagel (£4.25) has sausage, wholegrain mustard, fried mushrooms with lettuce and melted blue Stilton; the butcher's baguette (£5.95) offers roast beef and horseradish with lettuce and an onion compote; the acacia bun (£4.25) embraced black pudding, celery and apple relish, tomato, goats' cheese and grilled bacon.

Right hand dishes included braised rump chasseur (£8.65), Mexican chicken (£6.95) and several salads for around £6. There's a dining room menu, too.

Young's celebrated Special and St George's Ale, suitably flagged from Daleside in Harrogate, were among five hand pumps. Another bravura beer festival is planned from August 8-12.

That there were no puddings and things was because we were off to the match - in which Shildon, by happy chance, won the second division championship. After lunch at the Uplands, however, it was always going to be downhill all the way.

The Uplands Hotel, Acacia Gardens, Crook (01388 762555). Open seven lunchtimes and evenings; no problem for the disabled. Free jazz evenings every fortnight - next on May 22 and June 5.

AFTER Whitaker's Almanac, Whitaker's Caf and Takeaway. Joyce Aspey from Brandon stumbled upon it (she says) in Gladstone Street, Darlington, and - having regained her equilibrium - writes in its praise.

"Good choice, excellent food and, best of all for pensioners, reasonable prices and enough to fill a large husband."

Gladstone Street's just north of the inner ring road, where the doggy paddle swimming baths used to be. The far end is well catered with eating places and second hand shops including - for those stuck on such things - a chap selling penny in the slot bubble gum machines at £75 for four.

Whitaker's offers the usual range in many permutations and large quantities, breakfast menu served all day and much of it to carry out. Mixed grill (£6.95) is described as "luxury".

Chicken and mushroom pie, chips, mushy peas and gravy (£3.50) included two well filled pies: another large husband well satisfied.

DARLINGTON'S CAMRA branch is celebrating 20 singularly successful years, formed in the short-lived but fondly remembered Collectors Arms on May 19, 1982.

The Evening Despatch was around to report it ("a tremendous potential for more real ale"), the average price of an often well below average pint was 60p, just one in six of the town's pubs had real ale and almost all of that was Cameron's Strongarm.

Now 63 per cent of Darlington area pubs offer the real thing with up to 30 choices at any time. The branch has staged 28 beer festivals serving 75,000 pints and produced 300,000 free copies of Darlington Drinker, the admirable newsletter.

The 20th anniversary edition also notes their determination to change licensing laws "for the better" - notwithstanding the barmy decision (Eating Owt, March 19) to close the Spring Thing beer festival bar between 3-6pm on the Friday.

Coincidental with the column's criticism of that egregious own goal, we have neither been invited to the birthday party - a special Sunday opening at No. 22 - nor sent, for the first time in many years, the newsletter.

On a happy occasion, how very, very sad.

WEIRD Ale News, the newsletter of CAMRA's Wear Valley sub-branch, coincidentally lists the 12 Co Durham pubs which were in the 1977 Good Beer Guide and remain a quarter of a century later.

They are the Sportsman in Canney Hill (Bishop Auckland), the Smiths Arms near Lumley, the Three Horseshoes at Cowpen Bewley, the Black Horse at Coxhoe, the Colpitts and the Half Moon in Durham, the Derwent Walk in Ebchester, the dear old Dun Cow above Crook, the Lambton Hounds at Pity Me, the Sun - Basso profundo - in Stockton and the Glendenning Arms in Witton Gilbert.

WE have again been exploring Scotland's extremities, where the fish restaurant and take-away in Mallaig - at the remote end of the glorious West Highland Railway from Glasgow - is festooned with unsolicited testimonials.

The Scotsman's rapturous reviewer put it most succinctly - "the best fish and chip shop in the world" - though another bag full from Fields' in Esh Winning last Thursday evening suggests they have coal fired competition.

It was only after returning that we learned that the owners - like half the rest of the world, it sometimes seems - hail from Tow Law. Another good reason for hasting back.

...and finally, the bairns wondered if we knew what you get when you cross a mouse with a packet of soap powder.

Bubble and squeak, of course.

Published: 14/05/2002