Ann Winterton was the lucky one. The Tory MP may have been unseated from the opposition front bench for telling a wretchedly racist and risibly unfunny joke at a rugby club dinner, but at least someone must have been listening.

They weren't at Darlington Rugby Club's do on Friday night.

The speech attempted to recall the Darlington v Carlisle match on Saturday September 4 1965, when things in Darlington were so different that Des O'Connor ("hilarious comedian") was on at the La Bamba, Julie Rogers at the Flamingo and Unit Four Plus Two - remember Concrete and Clay?- at the Majestic Ballroom.

Carlisle appeared to win 11-5, though since it was the first and last rugby match upon which I have ever reported, the word "approximately" may be inserted in paranthesis.

Friday was redeemed, however, by the ladies' team and in particular by Tanya Liversedge, a stunning, six foot blonde who was not only named player of the year but was also victrix ludorum in the boat race.

(A boat race, for non-rugby types, has nothing to do with Oxford and Cambridge, though much to do with ending up in the drink.)

Two of the team were recovering from broken legs, a third had been treated for head injuries at the Memorial - what's that phrase about a game for ruffians played by ladies? - but plans shortly to row the Atlantic. There'll be more of her elsewhere.

Potential players, meanwhile, should contact ladies coach Gerry Byerley on 01325 487589 - the ability to drink like a rugby team not necessarily a prerequisite.

It was getting on 11 o'clock before Tanya, a 22-year-old designer who plays second row and thus goes in where it hurts, was able to collect her award and before you could say "best of order" to down a pint by way of celebration.

Those accustomed to her party piece timed it at 4.2 seconds. Since it was some way short of a personal best, she downed another by way of consolation.

"I can drink a pint faster than any man or woman left standing," added Tanya by way of further talking point.

The port swilling men's teams had probably had quite a good season, too, but if they're not going to pay a blind bit of attention to me, I'm ruggered if I'm paying any to them.

Following recent references hereabouts, talk at the rugby club was also of the Rev George Holderness, the Vicar of Darlington who in the early 1950s also captained the town's cricket team.

Peter Bainbridge was married by him ("a marvellous man") but only after the vicar had first consulted the fixture list.

"They were at home to Stockton. He reckoned that by arranging the toss he could still take part."

Holderness, who became Bishop of Burnley, wore his whites beneath his vestments. After duly pronouncing them man and wife, he was gone.

Harry Hooper is alive and well, playing golf on a replacement hip and doubtful of England's World Cup ambitions.

"Everybody seems to rely on one bloke," he says, meaning Beckham. "I must admit he's not my type.

"He's a winger who never beats anybody. He can hit a free kick and cross a corner, but I just wish he'd get to the byline more and cross from there."

Hooper, asked after in Friday's column, is a well qualified judge. As a right winger he won England B, Under 23 and Football League honours, accompanied the full international side on several trips but was denied by a pair called Matthews and Finney.

"I'm not saying they weren't great players but they were also big names. People abroad didn't want to see Harry Hooper if they could see Stan and Tom but I was still very disappointed not to win one cap.

"I was born either too early or too late."

He was born 69 years ago next week in Pittington, near Durham, played for Hylton Colliery Welfare, signed for West Ham as a 16-year-old dental mechanic after his father refused to let him join Sunderland.

"He considered that Sunderland were trying to buy success with the likes of Len Shackleton, Ivor Broadis, Roy Daniel and Trevor Ford and that young lads like me weren't going to get a chance."

His dad, also Harry, had captained Sheffield United in the 1936 FA Cup final defeat by Arsenal and made 67 full back appearances for Hartlepools United between 1947-49.

That he had been apppointed West Ham's trainer shortly before the lad's move south doubtless influenced the decision.

Harry made his Football League debut at 17, scored 39 goals in 119 Hammers appearances before a £25,000 move to Wolves, and the uncompromising Stan Cullis, in March 1956. Eighteen months later he went to Birmingham City before, in September 1960, he finally joined Sunderland for £17,000.

After each move, Hooper - described in a Sunderland history as a real crowd pleaser with exceptional speed and strong shooting - received £10.

He had also become a penalty king, one of only two misses in his career against Nat Lofthouse, the Lion of Vienna, after Bolton goalkeeper Eddie Hopkinson had been injured. "I thought it was going to be too easy," he recalls.

He loved Sunderland but not Alan Brown, the manager. "He was a very difficult man to get on with, wanted rid of me and Stan Anderson although the crowd loved us."

He went on the transfer list, asked to be removed, and - unable to join another Football League club - signed for Kettering in the Southern League. "They weren't quick thinkers. I was getting clogged to hell. It was another mistake."

He remains in Kettering nonetheless, his son still in the area and his daughter three doors away. Each October he makes a nostalgic return to the North-East, accent audibly thickening as the A1 heads homeward.

He was also the first Sunderland player to have won a major European competition with another club - but that's where the column came in.

Though the league chairman was unavoidably (and rather dramatically) absent, Keith Smeltzer and Steve Clark got on their bikes to attend the Albany Northern League's annual meeting on Saturday.

The Guisborough Town pair had just begun a 200 mile ride around all 21 ANL first division grounds, sponsored equally for the NSPCC and for their club.

Fuelled by draught Guinness, they'd reached Morpeth by breakfast time yesterday,

"We get pretty wet on Sunday but not half as wet as covering the 50 yards between our lodgings and the pub," reports Keith.

What goes around comes around, more of that cycle next time.

Mention on Friday of Central Depot, Northallerton, that most prosaically named of cricket teams, turned Hails of Hartlepool almost lyrical.

Ron and cohorts like Uncle Albert Kelleher and fearsome Frankie Baggs played, without equal, for the Paragonians. On one long gone occasion, Depot had amassed a great many and Ron's lads were about 58-6 when the heavens truly opened.

"Uncle Albert had great powers of persuasion, even then," says Ron.

Soon the outfield was inches underwater, Central Depot secretary Marty Rocks - "not a very big chap" - up to his knees in the deluge.

Paragonians, greatly relieved, squelched for the shelter of the much missed North Riding Hotel. The home secretary urged restraint.

"Can you not hang on a bit," pleaded Marty, "she's a very quick drier, you know"....

...and our mention of one time Lancashire and England wicket keeper George Duckworth - reputed to appeal more times than anyone except Dr Barnardo - stirred memories for Jack Watson of cricket's pros and cons.

Jack, at 81 still Sheffield Wednesday's assiduous Scottish scout, remembers playing for Northumberland against Lancashire II at Old Trafford when Duckworth was scorer.

Before the start, the county secretary sent Harry Pilling - "then just a little boy" - to enquire who were Northumberland's professionals.

"We're all the same in this team," replied the Northumberland skipper, an answer which so greatly pricked red rose officialdom that Jack and a teammate had duly to be branded.

Together they were made to change in a separate dressing room, eat in a separate compartment and enter the field by a different gate.

"We were just about allowed to speak to one another," says Jack, still in Shildon, "without first asking Lancashire County Cricket Club for permission."

the player who has made most appearances in the World Cup finals (Backtrack, May 31) is Germany's Lothar Matthaus, with 25.

Among the plethora of World Cup television pundits, readers may today care to identify the last one to score a goal in the finals.

Another finals word on Friday