This Magnum is no cause for celebration.

TOM Selleck and his moustache, which resembles a small furry rodent clinging to his top lip, have taken over the weekday morning nostalgia spot vacated by cop show T J Hooker.

Why did we ever think these US series were better than ours? They have the word formula written through them like Blackpool through a stick of rock. It's bland, boring and oh-so-predictable. Only the names and the location have been changed to protect the innocent.

An episode the other day was sub-titled with side-splitting hilarity Thank Heaven For Little Girls And Big Ones Too, which was more than the plot deserved. Five schoolgirls hire Hawaii private eye Thomas Magnum, who has a reputation as a womaniser and a hairy moustache to maintain, to find their missing teacher.

She falls in love easily, they explain. "It doesn't take her long to chose from the menu, if you know what I mean," elaborated one of the cute (not) children.

Magnum took them back to stay at his abode - the estate of writer Robin Masters. He lives there on the pretext of protecting the place during its owner's absence. Masters's prissy English manservant Higgins is on hand to ensure Magnum doesn't abuse his position.

Higgins's interaction with the schoolgirls provided the best of the entertainment, especially as he tried to stop them touching a valuable Gaugin painting hanging over the fireplace. "Lighten up, will you, Huggins," goaded one girl after feeding his Doberman Pinscher guard dogs jaw-clogging gum drops.

To remind you that Magnum is a PI, he occasionally goes into voiceover drive as in a Bogart gumshoe movie, saying things like, "So far this case had cost me my rights to the wine cellar, the last cash in my pocket and nearly my life".

Being 1980s US television, the series is resolutely non-violent - apart from a mild punch-up - although the villain is allowed to wave around a gun. Unfortunately he doesn't fire it at the increasingly irritating schoolgirls.

As Huggins, sorry Higgins, says on hearing that someone has kidnapped the girls: "He has my whole-hearted sympathy."