The trouble with parents today...

IMAGINE you are the father of three boys. They're a bit of a handful, occasionally getting into trouble with the police, although nothing really serious. You try to keep them in the house to stop them causing mischief - it doesn't always work, but then you're doing your best.

You end up shouting at them a fair bit, but then that's normal for any parent with adolescent children. And you argue with your wife about the best way to handle them, but then everyone has their own view.

Now imagine you receive a letter suggesting you take a course on how to be a better parent. It's not hard to guess the reaction. The phrase 'Who do they think they are?' springs to mind, among others.

At least, that was Ron's response. He was a little nonplussed, to say the least.

"I thought 'What is this for? What have I done?' What are you supposed to think? Better parenting... " he trails off as he remembers how well the offer of parenting classes went down.

His sons, aged ten to 16, were certainly no angels - trespassing on the Metro lines and attempted burglary of an empty house had seen them run into trouble with the police - but nor were they hardened criminals.

It took a lot of thought before Ron replied to the letter, but he did. Partly because he was worried his kids would get into serious trouble one day, and partly because he feared they could be taken away from him. A later incentive was the fear that he could share the fate of Patricia Amos, the Oxfordshire mother jailed for 60 days earlier this year for allowing her two teenage daughters to play truant.

The result was a parenting course run by Barnardo's Sungate project, set up in partnership with Sunderland and Gateshead youth offending teams to work with the parents of children who are at risk of falling foul of the police.

Two Barnardo's workers would come to Ron's house, in the Millfield area of Sunderland, once a week and talk to him and his wife Sandra for an hour or so about how to be a better parent. At first, the children weren't present, but later on they would sit in on the occasional session. And Ron admits the course has transformed the way he sees his kids.

"I'm a normal father, maybe a bit strict with the kids, but the Barnardo's people make you see things differently. They were putting it across that, if you show anger to your children, they're going to show anger back. When they go out they tend to take that aggression outside and get into trouble.

'They would show us cards and ask what you see yourself as, Mr Angry or Mr Moody, things like that. After a few weeks, you tend to notice what you are like - it makes you sit back and look.

"We were discussing things like just talk to the kids, don't show them any aggression, listen to them, reason with them. We did it and it actually worked. There were other aspects of how to treat them, like reward them if they're good. If you let them out for an hour and they come back after an hour, let them out for an hour and a half," he says.

And to encourage his youngest son to go to school, Ron used the example of Patricia Amos to illustrate what could happen if the truanting continued.

"When I read about that woman who got jailed, I was telling him that is what is going to happen to me. It opened his eyes, thinking his dad could get into trouble," he says.

Sungate was one of 34 pilot schemes around the country over the last three years, and this week the Youth Justice Board announced its evaluation of the success of parenting courses. While they are not spectacular, the national results do suggest they are making an impact.

In the year before the parents' involvement in the project, 89 per cent of their children had been convicted of an offence. In the year after the parents' involvement, just 61 per cent were convicted. The average number of recorded offences per child fell from 4.4 before to 2.1 after.

Sungate project leader Lisa Robson says the principle of working with the parents is that they are the biggest influence on their children, and therefore the best way of changing the child's behaviour is to work on their parents.

"It is about setting an example - we're saying to the parent 'You are the adult, you have to take some responsibility.' Most of the people we work with are feeling out of control. If you have a 13-year-old who doesn't listen to a word you say, that is not easy to deal with," she says.

"People tend to say 'I have tried everything,' and 'You don't have to live with him,' but we look at what they have done and what they have tried. Everything we work towards is encouraging people to think about their behaviour and how it affects their children."

For some parents, the realisation that they are in some way responsible for their child's behaviour can come as a shock, but Lisa says it can end up strengthening family relationships. But she acknowledges that what Sungate does is not exactly rocket science, it is about helping families to communicate with each other.

"It isn't any big shakes. We shouldn't be needed, but we're needed because people don't get it right and not everybody knows how to behave as a parent," she says.

For Ron, the course has had a profound effect on his own behaviour, and has helped him resolve the dilemma facing a parent whose children are getting out of control.

"I'm a calmer person. I used to be aggressive before, but now the kids say 'What is the matter with my dad? He is not shouting and bellowing.' It has done us the world of good," he says.

"I was trying to do the right thing by keeping them in, but at the same time I was stifling them by not letting them out, but when I let them out they were doing something daft. It was Catch 22."

Now, he is prepared to trust his children and allow them to go out. They're still no angels, and they still get into trouble, and when they do they're grounded. The difference is that now Ron speaks to them, instead of shouts at them, and, perhaps more importantly, listens to them.

"When I look back on it, I think I was a bad parent but this course has made me a better parent. Before it was like stand-offish, but we will talk to each other now. We communicate more." he says.

"There have been a few instances lately where I have sat them down and talked to them, but before I would have lost it. It is a complete change to what it used to be. My kids are happier now, they're more outgoing, and when people talked to them they used to be cheeky, but now they will listen.

"I get on better with my wife now as well. We were going through a sticky patch, we used to fight over the kids, but now we share responsibility and we talk a lot - we have got a better relationship."

The turnaround in Ron's family life has been enough to convince him his reservations about taking part in the Sungate project were misplaced, and that, for him at least, he may not have known what was best for his kids, after all.

"I did think 'Who are they to tell me how to be a better parent?' But they have done a good job. When I think what they have done for us it has been amazing."

* Some of the names in this article have been changed