Greeted by the pipes and drums of Tulloch Transport and by the massed bands of the Regiment of Groundhoppers, Gretna FC hasted home on Saturday.

Twice Northern League champions, they had played all but one of their 56 seasons south of the border - "mining an obscure shaft in non-league English football" said Scotland on Sunday, thus risking coals of fire from the pit bottom.

Now, third time of asking, they were in the Scottish League third division, at home on a squelchy pitch and a scorching day to newly-relegated Morton.

"Proud? Och tae little humbugs," said club vice-chairman Ian Dalgiesh, who'd helped the formation in 1946, replaced the blacksmith's horse between the shafts of the roller and won a 50 years service medal from the (English) FA for his labours.

"I dinna think in another 50 years I'll be getting one from the Scottish," he said.

In the Northern League and in the UniBond, gates had rarely topped 100. Now it was all ticket, big kick-off delayed 15 minutes whilst myriad Morton men made their way to the south.

Ever humble, the Northern League contingent had also paid for its own tickets and in a town that made its name on marriage was reminded of the parable of the wedding feast when bidden to go higher.

Whatever they may serve in the boardrooms of Ibrox and Celtic Park, at Gretna they still offer tea and groaning trestle - not so much Old Firm, more Old Folks Back Home.

The club's legendary hospitality, happily, has lost nothing in their translation.

For Morton, of course, the occasion was only inversely auspicious. Founded in 1874 by the Clydeside dockers who lived in Morton Street, Greenock, they were playing in Europe when Gretna were still kicking around the Carlisle League.

They'd won the Scottish Cup in 1922, three times lifted the first division championship in the past 25 years, wore natty tartan shirts and were sponsored by Buchanan's Toffee. Last Spring, however, they hit dock bottom.

Now they fielded lads like Emilio Bottiglieri, John and Marco Maisano (signed from Marconi Stallions) and Jani Uotinen, a Finnish Under 21 international.

Since we were in Scotland, if only by a royal mile, there was also the ubiquitous Trialist. Since he never left the bench, he may not have considered the trial terribly fair.

All seemed summery, expectantly decked. Even one of the linesmen wore a FIFA badge, the flower of Scotland picked for the great occasion.

As if to prove the second marriage the real love of their lives, Gretna scored after 20 seconds - Matthew Henney at once immortal, the home fans consummated as one.

If that were Robbie Burns, however, the equaliser five minutes later was William McGonnagle. It came from Durham-born Warren Hawke, 31, who'd also scored in Sunderland's first game of the season 13 years earlier and came off the bench in the 1992 FA Cup final against Liverpool.

Shortly afterwards, a Morton fan was led away by the first aiders, presumably suffering from excitement. "Scunner," someone yelled at his departing back, among sundry Scottish imprecations hurled from the back of the directors' box.

A good game ended without further score, bottles of Irn Bru (or some such sustenance) repeatedly hurled from the dug-outs to arouse the wilting gladiators.

Rowan Alexander, the manager who not only personally doorstepped all 27 Scottish League clubs but helped paint the dressing rooms as well, came on in the 78th minute to a huge cheer. Three minutes later Phil Cannie replaced Hawke, a Cannie Scot at last.

Tonight, evidence of how far they've come, Gretna are at Hampden Park in the League Cup. On Saturday, evidence of how they have to go, they're away to Elgin City.

Among the Regiment of Groundhoppers, Hartlepool postman John Dawson - a bachelor at Gretna - is the undisputed Colonel-in-Chief. "The world's No. 1 attending football games," says a four page spread in the Dutch magazine Panorama.

Headlined "De razende supporter", it also describes the excellent Mr Dawson as "Wereldkampionen voetbalkuken" and "Voetbalfreak" - all Dutch, apparently, for groundhopper.

A men's magazine, its photographs suggest that it may also be slightly racy - racier, at any rate, than the Honda 90 on which John is pictured doing his rounds.

It's been translated by his old friend Hans de Roon, who for years commuted weekly from Holland to watch Sunderland play, attracting almost as much publicity as the world champion does.

Hans's name is on the bottom. "Ex-Sunderland season ticket holder," it says.

Shildon lad Peter Sixsmith, at Gretna but still very much a present tense Sunderland season ticket holder, is back from his Italian holiday where he watched a pre-season friendly between Verona and Fiorentina - demoted from Serie A to Serie C because of the Italian FA's fears for their financial stability and perhaps the Morton of their clime. The match was abandoned ten minutes from time when Fiorentina fans, tired of throwing Irn Bru bottles at the players, started a pitched battle with club officials instead.

Bernard Bosanquet, Reggie's old feller, not only played in the 1905 test against Australia at Headingley, but provided The Northern Echo with carefully crafted front page reports of it.

"Jackson won the toss for the third time in succession, seeming almost ashamed of himself for having done so," he wrote beneath the rubric "Mr B J T Bosanquet telegraphs from Leeds."

We dust off the back copies in answer to Friday's query: was Michael Vaughan the only England player to score a duck in the first innings and exactly 100 in the second?

Johnny Tyldesley, 5ft 6ins tall but said by Bill Frindall to have been "an aggressive little dynamo," shared the same bitter-sweet emotion in that 1905 match.

Bill Moore in Coundon also points out that David Gower in 1990-91 and Mike Gatting in 1986-87 hit 100 in the first knock and failed to trouble in the second.

Bernard Bosanquet, incidentally, is credited with inventing the googly - or Bosey, as briefly it was known - his first wicket that of Samuel Coe of Leicestershire, stumped for 98 from a ball which reached the keeper on the fourth bounce. Doubtless he seemed almost ashamed of himself for having done so.

Terry Deary is stepping up the pace. The prolific children's author and Sunderland season ticket holder, 56, has been dieting and has taken to running, both competitively and for charity.

A Sunderland butcher's son, Deary - 125 books in 30 languages - is interviewed by Colin Randall in Wear Down South, the exiles magazine.

Much may be predictable - Babb's a shocking signing ("I could cry just thinking about it"), he loved Jim Baxter (and Cec Irwin), he'd watch 11 Chelsea Pensioners so long as they wore red and white stripes.

The diet may suggest food for thought closer to home, however. "The pounds just fell off," says the Horrible History man. "I'm so much better a writer for being thin. I'm sure it made a difference."

... and finally

The only three players who Manchester United bought between 1964-72 (Backtrack, August 2) were Alex Stepney, Ian Ure and Willie Morgan.

Bill Moore invites readers to suggest what was unique about England's team in the first test against India.

The family column, we return on Friday.

Published: 06/08/2002