I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here (ITV): Britain's Sexiest (ITV)

Oone thing prevented me from naming I'm A Celebrity as a new all-time low for ITV - the programme that followed, Britain's Sexiest. Put them together and you have I'm A Viewer - Get Me Out Of Watching Britain's Tackiest Programmes.

Both are been shown live every night and both are equally bad ideas. By far the most embarrassing is Britain's Sexiest. The makers claim to have travelled the length and breadth of the land to find the finalists. If Monday's fitness instructors were the best they could do, God help the rest of them.

Contestants are divided into men and women (just in case you can't tell the difference) who say a few words, listen to their friends saying how wonderful they are, and then parade in swimwear. It sounds awful and, by golly, it is awful.

The proceedings are hosted - I use the term loosely to describe their dire attempts to present - by Michael Greco, Beppe from EastEnders, and Kerry McFadden, host of another ITV flop Elimidate.

Viewers are expected to waste money on a telephone call voting for their favourite. Unfortunately, there is no number to ring to stop this programme ever being seen again.

I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here (even the title is irritating) is Celebrity Big Brother meets Survivor. Eight minor celebs have been abandoned in the Australian rainforest for two weeks.

The public decide which celeb undertakes a daily task, involving bugs and snakes, to earn extra food. The producers thought they were being clever by assembling a bunch of people known to be on many people's hate list. Viewers, they reasoned, would love to have the chance to vote for them to be covered in creepy-crawlies. But like Survivor, another ITV ratings disaster, everything is so orchestrated and artificial that there's little fun to be had watching.

Celebrity Big Brother worked because the interaction was unexpected and not manufactured. Here, predictably Tara Palmer-Tompkinson squeals at the sight of a leech - or lech in the case of Uri Geller quizzing model Nell McAndrew about stripping off for Playboy - while Christine Hamilton is bossy and Nigel Benn is spoiling for a fight.

The only people I care about are presenters Ant and Dec, who struggle to make us think everyone is one the verge of hysterics or violence. It's a thankless task. The sooner they say We're Celebrities - Get Us Out Of Here, the better.