Sparkhouse (BBC1): Monarch Of The Glen (BBC1); The Chair (BBC1); Cavegirl (CBBC)
CAROL, the wild girl heroine of Sparkhouse, tells true love Andrew that "moderation is the secret of successful pilfering".
At Home With The Braithwaites writer Sally Wainwright has taken her own advice with her new drama. Wuthering Heights provides the inspiration but she doesn't steal too much of that classic novel - just the star-crossed lovers and the Yorkshire Moors.
Sarah Smart plays headstrong Carol, who lives with her father and younger sister, on a lonely farm. She's head over heels in love with the boy Andrew (Joseph McFadden) next door. They're much given to cuddling up in their moorland hideaway.
Both their families disapprove. Her father (Alun Armstrong) deals with it in his own heavy-handed way, literally in a scene of sickening violence. His well-heeled parents (Nicholas Farrell and Celia Imrie) are equally adamant that the lovers must be parted. They disapprove that Carol has led their university-bound son into petty crime, although the real reason for their opposition is a skeleton set to come tumbling from the cupboard before the end.
After so many formulaic police and hospital series, Sparkhouse comes like a breath of fresh Yorkshire air - unlike Monarch Of The Glen which, back for a fourth series, seems stale.
The Scottish scenery is still attractive but Archie's attempts to woo the tourists to his castle seem to be going nowhere very slowly. And now that Richard Briers' character has departed (blown to pieces at the end of the last series), Susan Hampshire is left without much to do.
At least Cavegirl attempts something a bit different. Aimed at a young audience, the series may well attract a more mature male audience due to the nature of the skimpy costumes. The script puts modern teenage attitudes into the mouth of the feisty heroine. She's rebellious, is into snogging, answers back her parents and - horror of horrors - uses the tribe's warning drum when she's not supposed to.
Her dad can't help loving her. "How did a daft man like me create a miracle like you?," he asks. If he was a contestant on The Chair, he would be strapped into a reclining seat and wired up to a heart monitor in order to answer that question. This particular reviewer, and a good many viewers, may have to be tied down to watch another episode of this quiz show.
The US version has already been axed. Presenter John McEnroe, no doubt hoping for a longer run here, has been chosen because he's famous for having a short fuse on the tennis court. Here, contestants must keep their temper and all their emotions under control. They must remain cool, calm and collected to keep their heartbeat down as nasty McEnroe won't let them answer a question until their heart rate dips below a certain level. The problem is that, after a time, watching someone lying there trying to control their heartbeat becomes boring. When they are bombarded with flashing lights, smoke and explosions to increase their anxiety, the whole thing becomes laughable.
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