A maiden amid a pretty experienced field, good luck charmer Ceri Anderson is under orders for the fourth annual Mascots Grand National at Huntingdon racecourse on Sunday.
"My tactics are going to be to play it dirty," insists Hartlepool United's latest monkey nut, in which respect she has been consulting Cyril the Swan.
"He told me just to go for it, but I think he's a bit mad," confides Ceri, a 26-year-old student teacher from Hartlepool.
Cyril, of course, has experience in such cygnet ringing. Last year a man was arrested after allegations that the swan, who is nine feet tall, had broken the wrist of a 46-year-old North Yorkshire woman - "dressed as a dog" - 45 minutes before the six-fence race.
The case was subsequently dropped. Swansea City FC said that they were very pleased.
Last year's other National disgrace occurred when Freddie the Fox was uncovered after winning the race as Olympic 400 metres hurdler Malcolm Douglas.
Douglas was disqualified - "the biggest controversy in the mascot world since the unfortunate Ashton Gate showdown between a wolf and three little pigs," observed the South Wales Echo, though they should perhaps have smelled a rat when the fox wore spikes.
Among the other 120 competitors in last year's rough house party were Harry the Hornet (Watford), Baggie Bird (West Brom), Scunny Bunny (no guesses), Alex the Greek (Exeter City) and even Briggsy the Badger, down from Elgin City.
Ceri, of course, follows Stuart Drummond - now Hartlepool's 100-1 mayor - into the H'angus the Monkey hot suit. She is the only North-East entry - though there may soon, we hear, be a mascot race at Sedgefield.
"I don't think she knows what she's letting herself in for at Huntingdon," says Pool press officer Paul Mullen. "I've told her to stay out of trouble but it never seemed to work with the mayor.
"Stuart was a bit crazy. Whoever got the mascot's job was always going to start behind the eight ball.
"Ceri is a bit more controllable than he was. We'd try to tell him when he crossed the line a little but he'd just give us one of his smiles and walk away."
Greeted on her debut by the chant that follows every woman at a football match, Ceri responded at the next home game by revealing a specially made H'angus sized bra beneath her shirt.
"I think she's doing really well, the kids love her," says Paul, though another Victoria Parker insists that she plays football like a lass.
The National represents her biggest challenge. "I've been looking at the website and it's a bit worrying," Ceri admits. "I hope they don't pick on me because I'm a woman.
"I'm really enjoying the job, but I'm still going around waving to people hours after I've taken my head off."
Yorkie, York City's lion mascot, reckons Oldham's Chaddy the Owl may be the Sunday best bet.
The perennial tail end small fry, they say, is Sammy the Shrimp from Southend. "I'll be happy if I finish in front of him," says Ceri, sponsored for the Hartlepool Hospice.
The mascot may need all the luck she can get.
A very happy 60th birthday, before further proceeding, to Raye Wilkinson - northern organiser of the Stable Lads' Welfare Trust and one of the most respected men in the sport.
Based in an overflowing little office in Middleham's cloven-hoofed market place, Raye's been a friend to many in racing - and in that North Yorkshire community - for almost 25 years.
He's also a closet Brechin City fan, played for Blackburn Rovers youth team - "I'd tell them my expenses were 7/6d; no matter how well they'd done they'd give you eight shillings and ask for sixpence change" - and still does a bit of meticulous scouting around the Football League.
He's marking the occasion with a few days on the Scottish fastness of Knoydart, home of the UK mainland's most isolated pub - accessible only by boat - and to several 3,000ft mountains, known as Monroes.
His 60th birthday Monroe already behind him, Raye - who'd never win a drinking race - plans a quiet celebration in the Old Forge tonight. Cheers, old friend.
Now known as one of Sunderland FC's most outspoken critics, Ferryhill lad and England international Eric Gates warned at the weekend that Stadium of Light fans were in for "the shock of their lives" - both on and off the pitch.
Talking at a Tow Law FC sportsmen's evening, Eric also recalled his happy years at Ipswich Town under the occasionally forgetful Bobby Robson. "I swear that for ten years he called me Sykesy," he said.
Last time the Lawyers had a do like that, club treasurer Kevin McCormick went armpit over tibia at the end of the evening and badly broke his leg.
Though the leg's just about better, he's still an angry feller. "They've Gatesey on the bill, the comedian on the bill and no mention of the acrobat."
Ever unpredictable, Tow Law play Hyde in the FA Cup on Saturday. Dr Forster plays Jekyll.
Whilst former Durham City goalkeeper Paul Robinson becomes favourite to succeed the aerially challenged Seaman, another ex-Northern League player also relishes England duty this winter.
Steve Harmison was Ashington's centre half at 16. "I don't think I was the worst player in the League. I like to believe I could have gone a bit further but for the cricket," he says.
England's cricketers are football daft anyway. "Mark Butcher could have been a very good player and Michael Vaughan and Ashley Giles are quite canny," he tells Backtrack.
"We play north v south. The north wins every time, of course."
Another local lad made good, Barry Johnson from Shildon became at the weekend the first Englishman to win the Scottish rally driving championship - just three years after taking up the sport.
"The Scots were better about it than I expected," he says. "I think they realised we were canny lads and hadn't come up raping and pillaging."
Viv, his wife, bought a day's rallying tuition at Croft for his 38th birthday - the former Shildon wagon works apprentice has caused to the rally ever since.
Now owner of Britain's biggest independent closed circuit television company, still in Shildon, he drives a Subaru which accelerates from 0-60 in four seconds, hits 120mph through the Scottish forests, does 4mpg on £20 a gallon turbo fuel and has four on-board computers.
"They do all the work," insists the new champion. "I just press the pedals."
Coming back home, he didn't even do that. "We had a pretty good drink. I slept in the car for three and a half hours."
And finally...
Friday's poser proved surprisingly difficult. The Football League top scorer who hit 102 goals in 1987-88-89 was Steve Bull, of Wolves.
Since we've been talking mascots, readers may today care to recall the identity of the man who was England's singularly lucky mascot in the 1966 World Cup.
Fortune's wheel turns again this Friday.
Published: 24/09/2002
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