WATCH out, Sir Bobby Robson. You have a pretender to your crown as the clown prince of press conferences - and he'll be in the opposite dugout tonight.

His name is Bert van Marwijk, and the Feyenoord coach introduced himself to the exasperated English media corps at St James' Park yesterday by infuriating and baffling them in equal measure.

Now, one didn't expect van Marwijk to be letting slip trade secrets ahead of tonight's Champions League Group E clash with Newcastle United.

But armed with an interpreter who wouldn't interpret, he managed to kill even the most innocuous question stone dead.

Robson set the standard for managers last season when he called Laurent Robert "Lauren Bacall". But van Marwijk ran him pretty damn close yesterday.

Who are the main Newcastle dangermen, he was asked. "Tell me who's playing and then I'll tell you," he replied in word-perfect English.

What are Alan Shearer and Craig Bellamy's main qualities, and what will you do to stop them?

"I'll tell my players about the qualities of the Newcastle players and how to play against them, but I won't tell you that," van Marwijk said.

Robson was a great success as PSV Eindhoven coach. How highly is he rated in Holland?

"Sir Bobby Robson has a good reputation in Holland and he's a nice guy. But I don't want to talk about any clubs other than Feyenoord," came the response.

What about Brett Emerton, Feyenoord's Australia winger? Newcastle almost signed him in the summer, after all. Why were you so keen to keep him?

"You'll see tomorrow how good he is," van Marwijk said, clearly enjoying himself as he played the straightest bat since Geoffrey Boycott retired.

Finally, he succumbed, and said something interesting. "I think this will be the least difficult away game for us to win," he claimed.

Fantastic! That will get the Newcastle players going. But wait! He's misunderstood the question.

"Sorry, I meant this will be our most difficult game in this group," he said, to a background of groans from the North-East journalists.

"May I ask why this will be your most difficult game," one brave soul, by now fed up with van Marwijk's approach, ventured.

"You can ask me why but I won't tell you," said the man whose native tongue appeared to be double Dutch.

Van Marwijk was happy to talk about the fanaticism of the Newcastle supporters, comparing the atmosphere with that to be found at Rangers and Fenerbahce - recent European opponents of Feyenoord.

But will the crowd have an influence on the game? "I don't know," he said.

And that was that. Van Marwijk headed off to supervise a training session at St James' Park, leaving behind him a posse of bemused journalists.

Feyenoord will have Edwin Zoetebier, the former Sunderland goalkeeper, in their starting line-up tonight.