The man who makes Dixon look like Dirty Harry

THE good ratings collected by the current series of Monarch Of The Glen are about to nosedive. Heartbeat, the original feelgood Sunday evening series, is back.

From the reassuring opening song through the cunning blend of homely drama and inoffensive comedy to the dramatic finale, nothing happens to frighten the horses.

No matter that the story involves a brutal murder, armed robbery, police corruption, and a man who thinks he has a fatal illness. You know it'll be all right in the end after cardigan-wearing characters have said things like "We've all been young once", and "I did 40 years in the pits and he's living off the state".

Every twist of the plot is explained for those not wishing to challenge their mental facilities. Geoff Atkins and Syd Carter are at each other's throats again, the police are told. "Come again?," says Sergeant Merton, voicing the concerns of viewers. "They're neighbours. Carter sold Atkins a dud car a few years ago and they've been feuding ever since," explains PC Ventress summarising the situation.

Only occasionally do they let themselves have a sly joke. Investigating the aforementioned long-running and seemingly unstoppable feud between neighbours, PC Ventress says: "I sometimes think the Berlin Wall will come down before we sort this lot out."

The most alarming sight for many will be that of dodgy dealer Vernon Scripps in a suit and tie, commuting to work by train (steam train, of course, and accompanied by the pop hit Locomotion on the soundtrack). After the failure of his latest dodgy scheme to persuade farmers to buy dog coats to keep sheep warm in winter, he gets a proper job as a floor walker in a department store that makes Grace Brothers look modern. His boss tells him they "put a premium on politeness and civility at all times", which does make you wonder how on earth he got the job. No matter, his career moves rapidly - promoted on day two and made redundant on day three.

Scripps shows more gumption selling electric kettles than PC Bradley does on his Yorkshire beat. The phrase PC Plod has never been more appropriate as he investigates a break-in at a holiday cottage. "Hello, police, anyone here?," he asks nicely, poking his head round the door. Any other TV copper would have kicked the door down.

PC Bradley makes Dixon of Dock Green look like Dirty Harry. His powers of detection are amazing. Spotting blood on broken glass in a window, Bradley deduces, "Someone might have cut themselves while trying to break in." A man has been missing for two days but PC Bradley takes his time coming to a conclusion. "Signs of a struggle and blood - I'm a bit concerned for his safety". Or, after a battered body is found at the bottom of a quarry, "Whoever killed him, waited for darkness, drove the body here, then dropped him over. That means the killer has a car."

Wouldn't it make you sleep safely at night to know policeman of his perception were in charge of law and order?