'We're a family in a different way'

PAULINE is always thrilled when people tell her that her daughters look like her. Walking down the street, she's often stopped and told how much they resemble her in their colouring or in their eyes.

"People who don't know the girls are adopted often tell me they look like me or my husband," she says. "In a funny way, though, I think they do. I suppose they pick up your mannerisms and way of doing things. It just emphasises the fact we're a family."

Pauline and her husband Ian, who live in Sedgefield, decided to adopt after they discovered they could not have children of their own, and now have three girls, aged three, seven and ten.

"Before we thought about adoption, we tried everything," says Pauline. "We went right down the IVF route and that was hard. We jumped through all the hoops but it just didn't happen for us. Every time you go for fertility treatment and it doesn't work, they tell you there's something different they can try next time and it keeps your hopes up but, in the end, we decided to stop. Ian wanted to stop for me. He thought I had been through enough and it was him who suggested adoption.

"But before we could do that, we had to accept that we were never going to have our own baby, that I was never going to be pregnant and give birth. We were going to be a family but in a different way."

Pauline and Ian's daughters are among the lucky ones. Children waiting for adoption who do not find families are four times more likely to be unemployed when they grow up. If they remain in care, they're 60 times more likely to be homeless and 50 times more likely to be sent to prison.

Nationally, more than 5,000 children are waiting for adoptive parents. In County Durham, the figure is 51 - some individual children, others siblings or larger family groups - but fewer people than ever are coming forward to adopt.

Debbie Jones, head of Children and Family Services at the county council, believes many people are put off by out-dated views about adoption and believe they would be turned down if they applied.

"Many people rule themselves out from adopting because they don't think they will fit what adoption agencies are looking for," she explains.

"We want to stress that all sorts of people make good adoptive parents. It doesn't matter whether you are married or single, over 40, or whether you are working or unemployed. What's most important is that you have a caring and patient attitude."

The Government is aiming to increase adoption rates by 40 per cent over the next two years. The Adoption and Children Bill, which is due to come into force in 2004, will change the law to make the legal framework and process for adoption as swift and transparent as possible. It will also allow gay, lesbian and co-habiting couples to adopt - a provision which has drawn criticism from a number of religious leaders and Christian groups.

The bill was debated in the House of Lords yesterday and the controversy escalated when gay rights group Outrage! attacked the Newcastle-based Christian Institute for launching an adoption card which shows carriers' objections to their children being adopted by homosexuals in the event of their death.

The Government is introducing a range of measures to encourage more people to adopt. These include paid adoption leave, equivalent to maternity leave, which will be available from 2003. There is also a framework of national standards aimed at improving the adoption process.

Durham County Council wants to find 32 new families for children next year in line with national targets and, as part of National Adoption Week, is launching a new information pack which it hopes will challenge some of the myths surrounding the adoption process.

The pack explains the way the adoption process works in the county, answers frequently-asked questions and explains the training opportunities available to parents. It also outlines the financial support available to help people adopt in certain situations.

"When most people think of adoption, they tend to imagine adopting a baby but, the fact is, most of the children who need new families now are aged between two and 11. Lots of people in their forties or fifties think they are too old to adopt but mature people have a lot to offer these children," says Debbie.

'The message we want to get across to people in the North-East is that there are children waiting too long to find new families and we would welcome talking to anyone who may have an interest in adoption."

Pauline and Ian were both in their thirties when they began to think seriously about adoption. They attended introductory sessions for prospective adoptive parents, organised by the council, and met social workers before deciding to go ahead.

Pauline says: "We had no problems being accepted. The actual adoption process was quite straightforward although it did take a long time - years rather than months. At first we tried to adopt a baby. We waited and waited and, after three years, we realised that just wasn't going to happen.

"Most people want to adopt a baby but most of the children are older. It's harder for them to find homes, especially if they have brothers or sisters. It was then that we decided to adopt a sibling group."

Six years ago, they adopted two sisters, aged 17 months and four. "The eldest one seemed quite grown up to me at first but now I realise she wasn't at all. They were both still young, both still babies.

"A lot of my friends have told me how their lives have been changed by having a baby and ours have too, except not in the same way. While they had to learn all about changing nappies, we had to find out about what a four-year-old needed, what we could expect a child of 17 months to do. Of course I'm sad I've missed out on a big chunk of the eldest one's life but, at the end of the day, that doesn't matter. She's with us now and she's absolutely wonderful."

Pauline and Ian both came from large families and had always intended to have three children. A couple of years ago, they decided to adopt another little girl who was almost two at the time.

"She was just the right age and she's fitted in beautifully. She's completed our family. Some people say it's not like having your own family if you adopt but we haven't found that. As far as we're concerned, we've got exactly what we want.

"We do talk about adoption with the children but most of the time, we're just not aware of it. At the end of the day, we wanted to be a family and that is what we have become by adoption. It's wonderful, the best thing that's ever happened to us."

* To find out more about adoption, visit the Department of Health's website at www.doh.gov.uk/adoption. You can obtain an adoption information pack from Durham County Council by calling 0191-383 6100.