A IS for ADOLESCENCE... and also for ATTITUDE which tends to go with it. If your boys are still young then you probably think Harry Enfield's Kevin is a joke. Ha!
Enjoy the laugh while you can, because, boy, are you in for a shock.
The really big shock is that adolescence starts early. Around ten years old. He's probably still got his Thomas the Tank Engine duvet on his bed and a couple of teddies in among the Lego and football stuff on the shelves. Then wham! Suddenly you're faced with an embryonic teenager - all curled lip and slammed doors.
Not only does he meet you at eye level (make the most of it, he's only passing through until he can look down at you from a great height) but that lip curls in sulky fashion, shoulders start to slouch and the neck muscles collapse in on themselves.
Instead of your bright little boy, you are faced with a strange beast shuffling its way to the biscuit tin. They also lose the gift of speech. What grunts they make are directed at the floor so you even miss the chance to lip read.
The shock is partly to do with the rate of change,.
When you brought your new baby home, every day brought change, every week another milestone, the first smile, first tooth, first step, the first time he ate mashed banana.
Then things slowed down a bit. He started school and, everything suddenly s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d out and all you could see was an eternity measured out in school terms and name tapes
Sure, he was still learning fast but it wasn't as obvious. He read bigger books, rode bigger bikes. He swam further, kicked harder, went through endless school shoes and the knees of scores of jeans.
Yet he was still your little boy and didn't do much without you. These were the Golden Years of childhood and they seemed to stretch out forever ahead of you.
Well guess what - time's up.
Just when you think this will go on for ever and you've got this motherhood lark licked, they turn into teenagers. All hair gel and attitude.
Every day's a challenge, a new row, old rules to be broken, new rules to be made. Just when you think it's sorted, it starts all over again. Speed of change? It's Warp Factor Ten from now on and you have an alien life force stomping round your kitchen.
And suddenly, all those old fairy stories make sense. You know, the ones about changelings. Faced with the horrible reality of their adolescent children, parents throughout time have preferred to believe that their babies had been stolen by fairies who left grumpy goblins in their place. You can see why, can't you?
These days, of course, we're not too sure about fairies. We prefer to think they've been abducted by aliens.
So somewhere in the universe your angelic little children are laughing and playing happily.
And you've been lumbered with rejects from Planet Zog.
Published: 31/10/2002
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