THE sorry saga of what the Royal butler saw grows tackier by the minute. While the tabloid which paid Burrell £300,000 for his story is spreading the tale over its front pages (and more) every day, the others are rummaging around among the leftovers to gather what scraps they can.

Homosexual rape, missing tapes, even the attempted seduction of a failed TV gameshow host - between them, they have unearthed enough scandal and tittle-tattle to fill their pages until something more gripping, such as a major terrorist attack or war with Iraq, comes along.

In the meantime, we are told, we are potentially witnessing the beginning of the end of the monarchy or, at the very least, a constitutional crisis set to rock the house of Windsor. But Her Majesty needn't worry. When Paul Burrell's first major "explosive" TV interview was aired on ITV on Sunday, double the number of people (8.4m) chose to watch the Antiques Roadshow on the other side. The Great British public voted with their remote controls and decided revelations about the value of a few ornaments was far more interesting than the blabbermouth butler's disclosures about life with the royals. Crisis? What crisis?

I WAS refused entry to the cinema to see an 18-rated film this week. Sadly, not because I am far too youthful-looking myself, but because we had our ten-week-old son with us. At this stage, all he does is sleep and feed and, because I am breast-feeding, I have to take him everywhere with me.

This usually does not cause any problems but the cinema manager said Albert was too young to see 28 Days Later. "He's not going to understand it. It's hardly going to corrupt him," I said. "Ah, but they can sense things," he replied mysteriously.

Most establishments, quite rightly, waive bans on pets to permit guide dogs on their premises. Could places such as cinemas not make similar exceptions for breast-feeding babies? With such unnecessary obstacles making it difficult for new mums to lead a normal life, is it any wonder so many take to the bottle?

SINCE we couldn't get into an 18 film, we went back to see Harry Potter, a PG, and brought the whole family. But nowadays you practically need to take out a second mortgage just to pay for the sweets and fizzy drinks in the cinema shop. A family can easily spend £20 on nibbles that would cost a quarter of that at the newsagent's. But I have read staff at some multiplexes now search customers and confiscate snacks bought outside. Being fleeced appears to be part of the whole cinema experience. It would be so much easier to wait until the video comes out.

SHOCKED researchers say new mums "only" have sex once a week. What, that often? Frankly, what surprises me most about this survey is that new mums manage it at all. The only thing I fantasise about in bed at the moment is getting more than four hours uninterrupted sleep.

TEENAGE Lotto lout Michael Carroll says he's going straight. Of course he is. Now he has £9.7m to look after, he'll be far too busy protecting his property from thieving little criminals like himself.