Celebrity Big Brother 2 (C4)

IF nothing else, CBB2 will keep the experts busy over the next week or so. They were at it already yesterday morning, even though the housemates had done nothing but arrive, drink tea and sleep. Body language expert Martin, on C4's breakfast show RI:SE, rambled on about Goldie being the lion king and putting his marker down by breakdancing on the floor. If only he'd done what a werewolf does to mark his territory - pee on the area - we'd have had a TV first.

As for former glamour model Melinda Messenger, she was seen organising the tea-making. This means she wants to be the domestic queen. So there we have it - the royalty of the Big Brother House. But I want to know, as did the RI:SE interviewer, who's going to be Paul Burrell? The choices are not inspiring. As Graham Norton said on his show, following the incarceration of the six celebs, the cast list is not so much a who's who as a who's that of British showbusiness.

"Welcome to celebrity rehab," quipped Les Dennis on arrival. Make that career revival rehab. The line that they're only doing it for charity really won't wash. They know they're the animals in the TV zoo and that viewers want to see them go bonkers. In return, they'll get some proper work. There are no signs that any will do a Vanessa Feltz by writing on the table or simper in the corner like Anthea Turner.

Claire Sweeney, last year's CBB runner-up, got it right when she observed (again on RI:SE - never let it be said that C4 doesn't plug its own shows): "Everyone is so nice". When the first thing they do is make a cup of tea, prospects don't look good. We expect them to be discussing losing their virginity or their toilet habits within five minutes of meeting each other.

Presenter Davina McCall said we'd see them in "all their glorious ordinariness". This is the very thing we don't want. We want to witness them behaving outrageously, flashing bare flesh and mouthing four-letter words.

These are people - with the exception of Sue Perkins, one half of Mel and Sue - I wouldn't pay good money to see in other circumstances.

Anne Diamond knows that good behaviour is not what's required. When the housemates were summoned to talk to Big Brother, she said: "I think they're going to say, 'could you please be more interesting'." Let's hope the housemates take that message to heart.