THIS morning I found a crumpled piece of paper under my eleven-year-old son's bed (what's new?).

It was the list of New Year resolutions I urged him to write (as you can imagine, I was full of suggestions). Predictably, it has ended up in the dustbin. But I couldn't resist adding my own comments.

1. Say please and thank you at all times. (But not too much. Everyone'll think you're being sarcastic.)

2. Do as mum says, first time she asks. (Be prepared to pick her up from the floor and help her recover from the shock.)

3. Wear clean socks and underpants every day, not the same ones all week. (On the other hand, it cuts down on the washing.)

4. Keep my room tidy. (In other words, find a suitable hiding place - under the bed? - to shove mucky clothes, old comics and sweet wrappers.)

5. Don't use phrases like "Don't look at me," "I didn't do it" or "It was him", unless they are true. (The problem is, if he does own up every time we'll be so taken aback we won't believe him and assume he's covering for someone else.)

6. Don't fight over the remote control or bully the younger ones into handing it over. (This one must be a mistake. It should be on his father's list, shouldn't it?)

7. Go to bed on time. (Sure. Apart from when he suddenly remembers an important piece of homework or a late-night programme he has to watch for school.)

8. Hand in all my homework on time. (Apart from when he complains I've made him go to bed too early, or the dog's eaten it. Hold on a minute, we don't have a dog.)

9. Don't keep pestering mum and dad for things. Earn money by doing chores and save up to buy things myself. (The only problem is his ideas for earning money involve bribing younger brothers and charging vast amounts every time we ask him to sort out the computer or pre-set the video recorder.)

10. Don't walk around in a daze listening to music through headphones. (Oh dear. That means we'll all have to suffer Eminem and Puff Daddy blaring loudly instead. Let him keep the headphones.)

11. Don't say "It's not fair". Don't say: "I wish I'd never been born" ever again. (Well, he has stuck to this one. Just this morning I heard him shout: "I wish I'd never been born into this family.")

12. Eat up and be grateful for the delicious food mum makes me, perhaps even say "Thanks Nigella!" occasionally. (He's more likely to say "Pass the sick bag, Clarissa.")

13. Be helpful around the home. Load up the dishwasher and bring in the milk without being asked. (But how much is he going to charge us?)

14. Don't emotionally blackmail parents by saying: "But all my friends have one/are allowed to do that..." (This ruse has never worked in the past but I suppose it's always worth another go...)

My New Year's Resolution: Let him write his own resolutions next year and tell him he can clean under his own bed. (Who am I kidding?).