IT'S time to take a cock-eyed squint into the crystal ball again and see what 2003 has in store.

January: Sports Minister Richard Caborn announces that he has told the England rugby captain, Nasser Hussain, not to take his team to Zimbabwe for a World Cup match. It is assumed that his error stems from a slip of the tongue rather than ignorance or incompetence, but when it is pointed out that the ban robs the England cricket coach of a visit to his homeland, Caborn says: "I always thought he was an Aussie."

Audley Harrison, a recent recruit to pantomime, runs away with the back end of the horse, Christine Hamilton.

February: Mick Tait remains Darlington's caretaker boss, despite the FA Cup fifth round win against Arsenal at Highbury. The Quakers are drawn at home to Manchester United and chairman George says he is delaying a decision on Tait until he has spoken to Sir Alex Ferguson about his future plans.

March: Duncan Fletcher quits as England cricket coach following the World Cup defeat by Namibia, a game in which the physio batted at three, the fitness conditioner at four and the lifestyle guru at five following their failure to get 11 fit bodies on the pitch. Caborn (or is it Cab-horn?) announces that Tony Blair's strategy unit has been ordered to re-examine the role of sport after its 12-month study was dismissed as one long statement of the obvious.

April: Despite amassing 200 points in the victories over Scotland and Wales, Clive Woodward quits as England rugby coach following defeat in the Grand Slam decider in Dublin. He insists he was right to use Jason Robinson as a running full back, despite three months of incessant rain. Fran Cotton takes over, announcing that England will win the World Cup playing nine-man rugby and brings Gareth Chilcott out of retirement to play at scrum half.

May: Caborn (or is it Cab-driver?) announces that the government have decided not to bid for the 2012 Olympics in case the bid is successful. He acknowledges that while the spin doctors could have a field day painting a wonderfully rosy picture of our thriving, efficient land, the reality could prove acutely embarrassing if we were to succeed in bribing the International Olympic Committee into voting for us.

June: Chester-le-Street stages its first Test match, with Bangladesh providing the opposition following Zimbabwe's refusal to tour. Following devastating floods in their homeland, the visitors are not put off by the standing water in the outfield resulting from five months of incessant rain. Dickie Bird, brought out of retirement by popular demand, wears out three pairs of wellies during endless pitch inspections before England's new coach, Sir Steve Redgrave, persuades Bangladesh that a series of coxless fours is a better option.

July: It's just as well the Open is at Royal St George's as all other courses in Britain are waterlogged. "Sandwich bites back" read the headlines as Tiger Woods shoots 59 on the first day and 89 in foul weather on the next. No-one is quite sure whether the flooding on the 72nd green is caused by the rain or Sam Torrance's tears as he watches his Ryder Cup hero, Colin Montgomerie, win his first major.

August: Cowes Week is washed out. Millwall's opening match has to be abandoned following a free-for-all started by Dennis Wise and new signings Lee Bowyer and Roy Keane.

September: With pitches waterlogged everywhere, Sir Bobby Robson, manager of champions Newcastle, observes: "We're all in the same ark." Despite newly-designed spring-heeled boots, David Seaman remains rooted to the spot as Macedonia float three free-kicks over his head to seal England's European Championship fate.

October: With qualification impossible, England select Wise and Bowyer for the trip to Turkey, and bring Vinnie Jones out of retirement. A shaven-headed Seaman takes the field on pogo sticks. Following a 70-yard rolling maul, Chilcott scores the only try in England's 7-0 Rugby World Cup win against Georgia.

November: Mick Tait, still Darlington's caretaker boss after 15 straight wins, tells chairman George: "Back me or sack me." Promised an answer within 12 months, he quits to take over at Sunderland, despite the danger that both clubs will be in Division Two the following season.

December: Chilcott returns to pantomime, teaming up with Christine Hamilton in Mother Goose, after Jonah Lomuh runs all over him four times in the World Cup final. Caborn (or is it Taxi-man?) sounds a loud blast on his horn before announcing that Tony Blair's strategy unit have decreed that his position is now redundant as sport plays such an insignificant role in society. It will be far more beneficial to the nation's well-being if more prominent roles are found for Graham Norton, Dale Winton and Jonathan Ross.

Published: 03/01/2003