F is for FAMILY, FREEDOM and FRIENDS...

TEENAGE boys need their families. They need roots, they need people who will love them unconditionally whatever they do.

But that doesn't mean, of course, that they actually want their families.

Now their world is centred almost entirely on their friends. Researchers have proved that teenagers are far more influenced by their friends than they are by their parents.

Now that's a thought to make your heart sink.

Teenage girls are more likely to go into gossipy huddles with a special friend or two, but boys roam the world in gangs. This is seriously disturbing because the more boys there are together, the less common sense they can produce between them.

One boy on his own might be quite intelligent. Two boys might be fairly sensible - but by the time you've got half a dozen together you've probably got the combined IQ of a cabbage and less common sense than a Womble.

And when trouble happens - as it so often does - then a mother's instinct is to say "Ah, but he got in with the wrong crowd."

Does it never occur to us that our precious baby might actually be the bad crowd that someone else has got in with?

Of course not.

But we cannot choose our children's friends for them. And we cannot prevent them seeing who they like. Try banning a particular friend and you make him immediately the most desirable companion in the world. Make them welcome in your home - even if you have to smile through gritted teeth as you do so - and at least you know where they are.

And that's a bonus. Because this is also the age when they want their freedom. They want to go out "Where?" "Just out!" They want to come and go as they like without having to tell anyone why or where.

And while they're out, they need to be able to find their own way, whether it's biking up the Dales or on the train to the MetroCentre.

In the golden days of childhood, even the very young were free to wander round their own neighbourhood. Now a child's world is so much more constricted that few primary school children will ever know the delights of a William and the outlaws sort of childhood, which is a wicked shame.

"Did you really let me bike from Middleton Tyas to Whorlton Lido when I was ten?" Senior Son asked the other day. And yes I did, but few of their friends were allowed to go with them.

But you've got to let them go sometime and the teens seems a good place to start. Or will you still be taking your 30-year-old to work every day?

If 15-year-old Sebastian Clover can sail the Atlantic single-handed, then it seems only reasonable to let your son go to a concert in Newcastle with his mates.

The average 15-year-old will not have to learn to cope with killer whales, but should be able to read a timetable, cope with public transport and avoid eye contact with late night drunks.

There should be rules of course. You should have an idea of where they're going and when they will be back. If they have mobile phones they should always be paid up, charged up and switched on so you can contact them - so even if you don't know where they are, at least you'll know they're alive.

If they don't answer, or are late back, you can work out your own punishment, but there's a tip.

The best threat, I found, was to say: "If you're not home by 11 o'clock, I shall start ringing round all your friends, asking where you are."

Their mother embarrass them in front of their friends? Now that is the ultimate threat - and it works.

Published: 23/01/2003