THE advent of war will bring the usual claptrap about sport being irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, when in fact it helps to keep us sane in times of madness. The question is whether we should rein back on the more tedious topics such as the unlikely resurrection of Alan Shearer's England career or Fergie's relationship with Sven.

As soon as I read that Shearer had hinted he might play for England again I knew he would change his mind the next day.

He wasn't at the World Cup when we needed him, so it would make no sense to come back now when he is giving such sterling service to Newcastle precisely because he is free of England commitments.

We had all this with Gazza, the difference being that the speculation about his England return went on when he was barely fit to grace the Premiership never mind the international stage.

It is a sad reflection of our need to clutch at footballing straws in order to find some comfort.

As for reports of Fergie's attempts to undermine Sven, I couldn't give a tinker's cuss, which I suspect is how Fergie really feels about England.

As Bobby Robson is the only Englishman among the top Premiership managers, it's hardly surprising that they don't exactly bend over backwards to help the national boss.

Obviously something must be sorted out.

There's no point paying the sophisticated Swede £3m a year and not providing him with the sort of access to his players and back-up which England rugby coach Clive Woodward enjoys .

If we need a boost to our national pride, Woodward's men can provide it. Assuming they brush off the Scots, they have a Grand Slam showdown in Dublin on Sunday week, then this is one England team who have a real chance of winning a World Cup in Australia in November.

HATS off to Yorkshire County Cricket Club for deciding to make do with one overseas player. In their case the reason may be financial, but why should any county have to fork out for a second overseas man when they are so heavily dependent on the revenue generated by Test matches?

Some of that revenue would surely be better spent on improving the preparation of the England team rather than lining the pocket of someone like Joe Dawes. Who he? You might well ask, but Middlesex have signed him as a temporary replacement for his Queensland teammate Ashley Noffke, who like Durham's Martin Love is in the Australian squad to tour the West Indies until mid-May.

Yorkshire could, of course, change their minds and go for Henry Olonga for the publicity value. Surely someone ought to, rather than leaving him to play for Lashings, the Kent club who also want to offer succour to the banned Shane Warne.

After Olonga's astonishing bravery in wearing a black armband to protest against the regime in Zimbabwe, it has been reported that seven of Mugabe's henchmen came seeking him in South Africa.

He was the first black man to play for Zimbabwe, but to return would almost certainly mean death, so joining the massed ranks of our asylum seekers is among his options.

Apart from being a highly-principled fast bowler, Olonga can also sing to professional standard. Sounds like he should be a breath of fresh air for some county's flagging spirits and it's a shame that the vast majority have two overseas men signed up already.

IT HAS been a wonderful adventure for Newcastle in the Champions League and their exit is no cause for tears as they are a young team who can reach for the skies in the next few years.

But first one or two of them need to grow up. It is worth reflecting that it was not Wednesday night's results which cost them, but the 4-1 home defeat by Inter Milan, when Craig Bellamy was sent off in the first few minutes and earned his second European ban of the season.

Bellamy has been protesting his innocence this week following a misconduct charge after he was accused of swearing by referee Andy D'Urso after the match at Middlesbrough. Kieron Dyer has leapt to his defence, as though that will make any difference.

They are both hugely talented and exciting footballers who should learn that in order to maximise their potential they need self-discipline. Learning when to button their lips would be a good start.

Whether Bellamy swore or not is scarcely relevant. He was clearly seen to be haranguing the referee and if he's going to behave like that he cannot go around complaining that he is being targeted.

IT IS good to see that the All England Whippet Derby is coming back to Newton Aycliffe as like most new towns it has struggled for a foothold on the sporting map. The big event is at the Oakleaf Sports Complex over the Easter weekend and no doubt they'd welcome your support.