At Your Service: Can we have some service here?

Had it been Riverdance up there, had it been pensioners' bingo night (Thursdays, 8.15pm) the house could hardly have been fuller.

Hymns, rather appropriately including Lord of the Dance, were listed where the digit numbers might have been, a notice advertising Founders Ale was pinned next to another headed "Jesus saves". The temptation to add: "But Juninho scores from the rebound" had, happily, been resisted.

A poem on the board told most of the tale ...

We need to talk about our church,

It's falling down, we're in the lurch

....and also rhymed Thornaby with God's own country, which doubtless it is.

Age restrictions temporarily having been suspended, there were babes in arms and in Moses baskets, or whatever is the New Testament translation. There, too, were old ladies who in a lifetime in Thornaby had never once been in the Men's Social Club and never once supposed that they might be.

A sign by the eye of a needle side door warned that the doorman wasn't allowed to sign in visitors or look for members. Women aren't allowed to become members, anyway.

"They're very nice here, though," said Carol Woodgate, the parish registrar and (of course) women are welcomed as guests.

St Patrick's occupies a huge site in the Five Lamps area of the Teesside town, once industrial and still proudly working class. The 110-year-old church is at the front, former school and meeting rooms behind that, social club at the back.

Everywhere is high fortified against vandals, who even kicked a football at St Patrick's statue above the church door. The saint saved it; they'd to call the fire brigade to get the ball back.

It is not vandals, however, but the health and safety people who have compelled the church's temporary relocation to the Men's Social Club. Barely had the congregation raised a fortune to fix the roof, than the entire electrics were condemned.

Whilst in a state of upheaval, they thought, they might as well redecorate, install a Loop system for the hard of hearing and a toilet for the disabled. The cost was put at £90,000. "The only trouble," said Fr Keogh, "was that we didn't have a penny."

The diocese mooted closure; St Patrick's deeply-rooted congregation, many with Irish ancestry, simply wouldn't hear of it. "If a decision hadn't been made for St Patrick's in a strong way, it would have been knocked down and stayed down," said Fr Keogh. "There is a great heart to the place, a great sense of outreach."

"It really knocked us back," said Carol Woodgate. "We were genuinely frightened that the church would have to close."

If not St Patrick's Day it was St Patrick's weekend, eyes of all nationalities smiling in warm welcome.

"Can you sing?" asked a lady in the choir. "Good," she said, "neither can we."

Had Bob on organ been joined by Terry on drums, it would barely have seemed surprising.

Their fifth century patron may never have charmed snakes, used the shamrock as a visual aid for the Trinity or had a fondness for the black stuff (as the Guinness Brewery appears ever more anxious to suggest), but remains much revered, nonetheless.

"Patrick was a courageous leader who went out to spread the message of love and peace," Fr Keogh tells his congregation. "We are proud to have him as our patron saint and that is why we are restoring our church, to make it a place that St Patrick would be proud of."

Behind him, the stage curtain is covered in stars - a cipher, they insist, for the parish priest who moved 18 months ago from Hull. "He's wonderful in the community, just the priest we needed," says Carol.

The other backdrop, of course, is the immediate threat of war. Fr Keogh urges intercession for peace - "even at this eleventh hour" - announces that he's had a St Patrick's Day card from his old mum back in Ireland.

"If St Patrick is any good, he'll stop the war," it said.

Whilst his intercession may also have little evident effect on the vandals, Carol insists that spirits are high and hopes undiminished. They've written seeking help to every St Patrick's cathedral in America, to St Patrick's FC in Dublin and to Celtic and Middlesbrough football clubs. Middlesbrough haven't answered yet. A sponsored cycle ride had raised £150, an anonymous donor given £5,000.

The Bass clock above the bar tells that the Mass is ended at 11.20am; by 12.30pm the furniture is rearranged and, thirst after righteousness, the Sunday drinkers allowed in.

"The move has been a lot less trouble than I thought," says Fr Keogh. "They've been very good to us; people who'd never been in here were probably pleasantly surprised by what they found."

They've been there a month, hope to be back in church - now full of muck and men - in time proudly to celebrate Easter.

Tonight: Alex Lane, "young girl vocalist". Tomorrow, third Sunday in Lent.

* Sunday Mass at St Patrick's is at 10.30am and 6.30pm. Fr Keogh would welcome all donations towards the building fund - and would particularly like to hear from a builder with some thoughts on the disabled toilet. He's at 39 Westbury Street, Thornaby, Cleveland TS17 6NW, (01642) 674140.

A united front

A BREAKTHROUGH for churches in England, representatives from four of the main denominations in the North-East will today hold their regional synods together at Northumbria University in Newcastle.

Delegates from the Church of England, Methodist, Roman Catholic and United Reformed Churches will meet and socialise together, hold separate synods - with observers from other churches - and then have shared afternoon sessions with visiting speakers.

Organising secretary Peter Davies said it was believed to be the first time in England that such a gathering had been held. "We are looking forward to it with great anticipation."