What should we tell the children?

IF the conflict in Iraq seems confusing and worrying to adults, imagine how frightening it is for a child to hear that we're at war. With images of warfare constantly on our television screens at the moment, it's only a matter of time before children start to ask searching questions.

No parent wants to admit that the world is an unjust and, at times, violent place, and it's only natural that they should try to preserve their youngsters' innocence for as long as possible. But when war talk dominates adult conversation, it becomes impossible to shield our children from events in the Gulf.

Children of reading age can scan headlines and even smaller ones are exposed to television news reports. Dr Marion Farmer, senior lecturer in child psychology at the University of Northumbria, says children as young as four know something is happening.

"Children watch television from a very early age and just from seeing reports on the war, they're going to realise that something is going on. Not all of them will be concerned but when it's being talked about all around them, they will want to know what it's about. It isn't an easy question but it's up to their parents to explain."

The war in Iraq is one without the clear answers and moral absolutes children expoect and, when many adults disagree with the reasons for taking military action, it makes the job of explaining why we are fighting even harder.

"War has changed so much and the way we understand it has changed, not just for children, but adults too. During the Second World War, for example, it was a case of our side fighting another side but now it is much more complex," says Dr Farmer.

"One of the major factors has been television. We see reports from right inside the war arena and it makes it real. We see that the people we're fighting are human too and it's not a black and white situation."

It's easy to argue that violent films and computer games have desensitised youngsters to violence and warfare but, argues Dr Farmer, even the youngest are able to separate reality from fantasy. The idea of war in Iraq is bound to be frightening for them and it's important to deal with any questions your child may have, as avoiding the subject may only make matters worse. Pretending that nothing is wrong may also damage your child's ability to trust you if they later discover the truth.

"Children will be hearing about it in school and their friends will be talking about it so they're bound to be curious and even worried. If their parents won't explain things to them, it makes it more of a mystery. What's happening in their imagination may be more frightening than reality."

But it's important to strike a balance. It's every parent's instinct to protect their children but you must be realistic. Wars happen and people do die. Beginning to understand that is part of a child's growing up process.

You have to decide how much to say to your children according to their temperament, says Dr Farmer. Some children have a lot of fears and telling them too much may only serve to exacerbate the situation but, at the same time, they need reassurance.

They may, for example, find it difficult to understand the concept of geographical distance. They may see images of Iraq and think bombs are going to be dropped on their street. Certainly, older children will be aware of the warnings being issued about the possibility of terrorist attacks.

"It's always very difficult to know what's going on inside a child's head and you have to judge things carefully to make sure you're giving them the reassurance they need. It's best to keep explanations simple and use language that your children can easily understand. Say it's in a far-off country but explain that it's important because the people are suffering. They need to know that adults know what they're doing and that they're doing it for a good reason."

A child's family environment will affect the way they take the news. If it isn't an issue at home, then the child is unlikely to be preoccupied with it, while the experience of war for children in a forces family will be unavoidably personal.

Kent-based consultant psychologist Dr Don MacLeod, who has researched the aftermath of disasters and traumatic bereavement, is an expert on the subject. He says: "We are now more aware than ever of the damage done to the family by deployment. Often the family will not know for weeks if the person is going to come back at all or come back the same person. The child may blame the person who went away for leaving them and for leaving them in that state of fear.

"There will often be attempts in these families to carry on as normal but with an older, more aware child that will not wash and they will be aware of a secret world of fear operating at the same time as their regular world of routine."

There is no easy way of dealing with the issue. While some children may be unaware of world events, others are well-informed and hold their own opinions. A survey for CBBC Newsround in February found that eight out of ten children questioned did not want a war with Iraq, only one in ten was in favour.

Many children, some under ten, have joined their parents on the recent protest marches and demonstrations taking place up and down the country. And secondary school children have been taking matters into their own hands, walking out of school to express their opposition to war against Iraq.

Florrie Darling, a 17-year-old from Newcastle, has been leading young people's rallies and marches across the city. She believes a lot of her contemporaries are ignorant of what is happening in the Gulf because of a lack of education but those who are aware of the conflict are generally opposed to it.

Dr Farmer says if your child is paying close attention to the war events and is likely to get worried, then you need to sit down and talk to them. Do not instantly offer blanket reassurance. Ask them first what they have heard and what they think about it. Once you have identified your child's worries you can deal with them without upsetting them further.

But if your child happily avoids all thoughts of war, you should not feel bound to tackle the subject.

"Each child will respond differently, depending on their age and their temperament," says Dr Farmer. "Some will be worried about the war, some won't. As a parent, you're in the best position to judge your child's fears and needs.

24/03/2003