Don't play it again, Sam

Film Writer Steve Pratt looks at the - often lamentable - history of remaking the classics.

DIRECTOR Mike Hodges can't understand why anyone wanted to remake his Newcastle-set gangster movie Get Carter. But they did - moving the location to America, putting tough guy Sylvester Stallone in the lead, and original star Michael Caine in a cameo part.

The makers, probably aware they were on to a hiding, didn't even bother with preview screenings of the new-look Get Carter. The movie bombed in the US and wasn't even considered worthy of a cinema release over here, going straight to video.

"For the amount of money they spent on it, they could have made plenty of original films," says Hodges. "Remakes signal death of the imagination."

He's right, of course. Not that Hollywood is listening in the week that real life couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were said to be starring in a remake of Casablanca, and Jude Law looked set to collect $10m to reprise the Michael Caine role in Alfie.

Hollywood prefers remakes and sequels to original ideas for the very simple reason that they're easier to sell to the money men and the public. They know exactly what they're getting. Producers can even see a blueprint - the first version - before signing the cheque. It doesn't even have to be in the English language, with the rights to successful foreign pictures snapped up to be remade with American actors and locations.

The odd thing is that although remakes rarely achieve the success of the original, film-makers insist on doing them. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but is rarely rewarding, either artistically and commercially.

"It's better than buying a book because it has the flickering images attached already. You are further along in telling the story," explains a US marketing man.

He adds that it's still no guarantee of getting made, but pushes the project running along the production line. How far Affleck and J-Lo have got on the road to Casablanca is unclear. Lovers of the original will be praying that they don't it again, Sam.

Pearl Harbour and Sum Of All Fears star Affleck is a big fan of old movies, and the film will offer the opportunity for the couple to recreate their romance on the big screen. "It's a chance for them to show how much they love each other through their on-screen chemistry," according to a friend.

Whatever their acting ability (and that's a matter of debate), they can't hope to top the performances of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in the classic romantic drama.

HOLLYWOOD is always rife with cries and whispers about remakes. Most never get off the ground, and those that do rarely fly for long. If an actor is hot, he'll be attached to every project going the rounds. This week Jude Law was said to be going to star as Alfie in a remake of the 1966 British film, to which American director Charles Shyer has been attached for some time. In 1999, Ewan McGregor was reportedly "the only name being mentioned" in connection with the project.

Shyer previously remade the Spencer Tracy comedy Father Of The Bride with Steve Martin. He and Seinfeld writer Elaine Pope have scripted the new Alfie in which, according to Shyer, "the character will be able to say more about women and society".

This is a popular excuse for remakes put forward by writers and directors. They want to re-interpret a movie for the times and a new generation. Director Gus Van Sant couldn't claim that about his 1998 retread Psycho, a frame-by-frame remake of the Hitchcock classic. The difference was that it was shot in colour, not black-and-white. A critic summed up what most thought of this treatment with the comment, "This version isn't sacrilege, it's just pointless."

The same could be said about most remakes. There's no need for them, they're redundant. The makers got it right the first time and no amount of tinkering will improve it.

But they keep trying. Jude Law is also linked to fresh screen version of the thriller Sleuth in the role played by Michael Caine in the original. Harold Pinter is said to be writing the script, and Caine might play the role Laurence Olivier took in the 1972 film.

At times it seems as if every film on the Caine CV is ripe for remake. Hollywood has already reshot The Italian Job, the 1960s British crime caper classic in which three Minis were used as getaway cars in a robbery in Turin.

Thirty years later Edward Norton, Charlize Theron and Mark Wahlberg are the stars, although Caine declined to make a cameo appearance. Wahlberg is fast becoming the king of the remakes. The big budget Planet Of The Apes did reasonable business, although few thought director Tim Burton's take better than the original. He also stars opposite Thandie Newton in The Truth About Charlie, known as the Cary Grant/Audrey Hepburn thriller Charade in a previous incarnation.

A list of remakes better than the originals would be very short indeed. One of the few is Ocean's Eleven, the Las Vegas heist movie. Instead of a self-indulgent romp for Sinatra and the Rat Pack, director Steven Soderbergh turned in a high-class crime caper exploiting the charm of leading men George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Still the remakes keep coming. Horror movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and rat drama Willard are awaiting release. Once he's seen the release of the last in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, New Zealand director Peter Jackson plans to use his high Hollywood profile to give us his King Kong. He was planning this before the Tolkien trilogy occupied his attention, despite the failure of the 1976 version with Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange fighting the giant ape.

Other stories suggest Clint Eastwood for the old Lee Marvin role in The Dirty Dozen and Denzel Washington to star in The Manchurian Candidate. Jennifer Lopez has been linked to A Star Is Born, an old favourite with Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand already having starred in fresh takes on the 1937 original.

UNDETERRED by failing to outdo McQueen and Dunaway in The Thomas Crown Affair remake, Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo are thinking of trying to be the new William Powell and Myrna Loy in a remake of The Thin Man.

Kind Hearts And Coronets, in which Alec Guinness played eight roles, is being considered as a showcase for the comic talents of Robin Williams. A proposed remake of another old Ealing comedy, The Ladykillers, looks more promising, teaming, as it does, Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks with indie directors the Coen Brothers.

Unfunny American comedian Adam Sandler as Mr Deeds in a remake of Frank Capra's comedy Mr Deeds Goes To Washington might seem about as absurd as you could get. But how about a reported remake of Alfred Hitchcock's North By Northwest to star Colin Farrell, currently Hollywood's hottest leading man, and pop princess Britney Spears? The idea is so absurd that it's very probably true.

TEN REMAKES WE NEVER WANT TO SEE

IF the thought of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in Casablanca makes your mind boggle, just hope no producer ever thinks of these remakes:

Hugh Grant as Rhett Butler and Elizabeth Hurley as Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind.

Britney Spears as singing novice nun Maria, Sylvester Stallone as Captain Von Trapp and Madonna as the Mother Superior in The Sound Of Music.

Elizabeth Taylor and Barbra Streisand as Thelma and Louise.

Russell Crowe as Gandhi (or George Clooney if Crowe's not available).

Charlotte Church as Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz.

Michael Jackson as Indiana Jones in Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler in Schindler's List.

Robin Williams and Winona Ryder in the Bogart and H epburn roles in The African Queen.

Westlife, with guest star Ronan Keating as Mr Blond, in Reservoir Dogs.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in... anything.