IT was supposed to be making history as the first home put under the auctioneer's hammer on British TV, but if all property really is theft then ITV1's House Auction was akin to sacking Iraq's Museum of Antiquities.

The Tuesday night hour-long extravaganza stole stuff from every "better life" show ever invented. Changing Rooms, House Doctor, the "no expense spared" craziness of Better Homes and Home Front and Selling Homes were casually MDF-ed to scenes from Bargain Hunt as single mother-of-two Joan Livesey let the cameras loose on her bid to sell up and move from Stockport to Kent.

My wife was reduced to humming Barbie Girl as GMTV's Kate Garraway switched her globe-trotting glamour for a sweaty-looking Covent Garden auction room.

Her earrings as big as Mansion House doorknockers, summery outfit and nervous lisp were rather noticeable against a background of dark-clothed Middle Eastern-looking business types with "investment" cash tucked in back pockets.

"This programme is really getting on my wires," muttered my resident homemaker as she watched design experts Stephanie Dunning and aptly-named David Domoney create a colourless canvas for lazy buyers who don't want to do any decorating.

No mention was made of how much they spent and the green-eyed monster overcame owner Joan who wouldn't sell for £121,000, having set an auction reserve price of £127,000, and then stuck the "as seen on TV" semi on the market for £154,950. Someone, I suspect, will be daft enough to buy it.

Fortunately, my woman of 2003, Jo Brand, was on form again to offer another TV highlight, after Celebrity Fame Academy, as the latest victim of What Not To Wear - On The Red Carpet (BBC1, Monday).

Hosts Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine seemed to have poor larger-than-life Jo in a headlock as they insisted she was fitted with a new bra. "There must be a government department I can report you to," said deadpan Brand as my family, who normally feature in a TV epic called What Not To Watch, wailed with laughter.

The whole idea was to persuade Brand and BBC newsreader Sophie Raworth that they could have fun dressing up to attend the Bafta Television Awards. I'll be amazed if this one-off isn't in line for a Bafta itself next year.

Trinny and Susannah, who seem to have no sense of humour about being dubbed Fatty and Skinny by North-East comic Viz, had few problems persuading English Rose Raworth that she could easily pose for the frenzy of photographers.

Brand, of course, threatened to punch one of the cameramen in the throat until he was dead. I still reckon the comedian was enjoying herself the most.

BBC1's curious series of Sunday evening fillers continued with 30 Years Of Last Of The Summer Wine as viewers were invited to go misty-eyed about the departed comedy talents of Bill "Compo" Owen, Michael "Blamire" Bates, Joe "Wally" Gladwin, Michael "Seymour" Aldridge and Thora "Edie" Hird.

Such was the comedy timing of the famous newspaper on the floor sketch between Hird's Edie and TV husband Wesley (played by Gordon Wharmby) that my children actually thought the pair were married in real life. I wonder which homely pair inspired that thought?

Published: 19/04/2003