WHY, oh why couldn't the dreadful Major Charles Ingram and his wife Diana have attempted to steal old ladies' handbags or snatch mobile phones from cars instead of trying to get their greedy hands on £1m from conning a quiz show?

Then the judge may have felt duty bound to jail them and we wouldn't have had to watch this unsavoury pair parading themselves on TV ever since, whingeing on about how they have been cheated out of their prize money.

Anyone who wondered if they might, in fact, be innocent will be in no doubt after watching the ITV documentary this week which showed for the first time the show in which Ingram appeared to win the jackpot.

Not only was he plainly guilty, the dim Major's scam would have been blatantly obvious to a four-year-old, or anyone bright enough to answer the £100 question all on their own.

When they were caught out, the Ingrams didn't even have the wit to hold their hands up, admit they tried to beat the nation's favourite quiz show and tell their story. By continuing to protest their innocence they are assuming the rest of us are as foolish as they are.

Perhaps the Ingrams, who have employed a PR company to help them promote their cause, will start appearing in local pantomime. It's about all they're capable of doing now: "Oh no we didn't," I can hear them cry. How audiences will relish responding: "Oh yes you did." This one could run and run.

I CAN only imagine what the parents of the young Gateshead boy and, indeed, the boy himself, sexually abused by a Catholic priest since released early from prison, must be feeling now. William Jacks, jailed for five years for sex attacks on the altar boy from the age of 13, was freed after spending just 19 months behind bars. His sentence was cut by 18 months on appeal after his barrister said Jacks maintained the sexual conduct had been consensual. Surely any adult who can accuse a 13-year-old of being culpable for such a sexual assault is clearly incapable of recognising he has committed a crime. Jacks's heartless stance will only traumatise his victim further. The Catholic Church says it is offering Jacks support and therapy. What is it doing for his victim?

OUR children loved the new Rowan Atkinson James Bond spoof, Johnny English, the highlight of which was a scene showing the Archbishop of Canterbury exposing his bottom in the middle of a grand ceremony. English's arch enemy was, as he put it, a French "ponce", brilliantly portrayed by John Malkovich. Since the film was made long before the war in Iraq, I doubt if the makers realised just how timely their script was. The rather weak anti-French jokes got far bigger laughs in our local cinema than they deserved.

THE only North-East pub I know of which celebrated St George's Day did so rather apologetically, tagging it on to an event marking Shakespeare's birthday on the same day. But at least the Church Mouse pub, in Chester-le-Street, did take some pride in its Englishness. Are the English, unlike the Irish, Scots and Welsh, embarrassed about celebrating their culture? Or, having seen how tiresome over-the-top St Patrick's Day celebrations can be, are you just being very wise?