WHO'S a naughty boy then? Soapland enthusiasts like nothing better than a bad boy. And when he's the bastard offspring of Dirty Den, so much the better.

Gunned down Dennis Watts was last seen sinking to the bottom of Walford Canal in EastEnders (BBC1). Even the alarmingly vivid imagination of the writers can't bring him back from the dead, although I suppose they could take a leaf out of the Americans' book and cook up a it-was-all-a-dream story, like the one used to excuse the reappearance of Bobby Ewing in Dallas.

Instead, they've settled for the easy option - one of those long-lost (ie we've only just invented him) relatives that turn up in Soapland with monotonous regularity.

Dirty Den seems to have sown his seed as readily as other people sprinkle sugar on their Rice Krispies. Son Dennis is a chip off the old crooked block. His sisters Sharon and Vicki (the irritating result of Den's liaison with schoolgirl Michelle) tracked young Den down to his mother's funeral, only to find he was accompanied by two prison officers. Now he's out and pouting Sharon gives him a job in her club, the gruesomely-named Angie's Den.

Still, young Dennis isn't all bad. Within a few hours of arriving in Albert Square, he's planted one on bully boy Phil. As well as Dennis's arrival, the Square sees the return of Kat Slater, who's been sunning herself somewhere or other. Mo organises a salsa party to welcome her back. In fact, there's a lot of celebrating going on as Charlie and Billy mark their birthdays with pie and mash. They really know how to have a good time.

Nana Moon, who has clearly escaped from the Soapland hospital for the terminally ga-ga, regains her senses long enough to suspect that Alfie is over the moon about some bird, to borrow his vernacular. We all know he fancies Kat, but he has yet to realise it.

In Weatherfield, Peter Barlow continues to omit to mention to fiancee Shelley the barmaid that he's married someone else, namely Lucy the pregnant flowerseller. So he consults his solicitor about a divorce. With another wedding (to Shelley, this time) fast approaching, he needs to be single if he's to avoid bigamy in Coronation Street (ITV1). The bad news is that he'll have to wait a year before he's legally single again. Where's Tricky Dicky the serial killer when you want him? He could've bashed Lucy over the head with an iron bar and saved Peter no end in legal fees.

Karen is someone else facing make your mind up time. Husband Steve - the one she married for a bet - gives her an ultimatum. Again. Should she chose Steve or her boss Joe, the man with the five o'clock shadow?

Elsewhere, Gail the hamster is back from her holiday in Canada only to find that she may be evicted from her cage. The complicated, and frankly illegal, financial dealings of dead serial killer husband Richard Hillman mean that her house is going to be repossessed. At least something good is coming out of his dirty deeds.

Silly Sally and Kevin are getting worried by Rosie's rebellious phase. Maybe hanging sister Sophie on the washing line by her ears isn't a nice thing to do, but she's at a funny age.

In Emmerdale, barmaid Louise continues to recover from murdering (accidentally) her stalker boyfriend Ray at an alarming rate. One minute she's in shock, the next she's embarking on an affair with a newly-arrived married man and telling old flame Terry the gory details. Terry's new bride - the one who's about half his age - has news too that involves the patter of tiny feet. And we don't mean their home is plagued with rats.

Published: 24/04/2003