IT IS not unknown for working men's club chairmen in these parts to interrupt the main act to announce: "The pies have arrived."

Pies and their enduring popularity come to mind in a week when Rod Marsh has been appointed an England cricket selector and football fans have been warned about their unhealthy diets.

To deal first with Marsh, it was in 1993 that he described English bowlers as "pie throwers", which was a bit rich coming from a man once nicknamed Iron Gloves who held the Australian record for cans of beer consumed on a flight from Sydney to London before David Boon broke it.

When Marsh first got into the Australian team on England's tour in 1970-71, he grabbed hold of a streaker and Richie Benaud observed: "That's the first thing Marsh has caught all day." Hence the nickname.

We can only assume he improved, however, as he went on to play in 96 Tests and became director of the Australian Academy ten years before England decided it was a good idea to follow suit.

Marsh was at Chester-le-Street on Sunday and Monday, keeping tabs on Durham's England paceman Stephen Harmison plus any other young talent passing through, as part of his brief to tour the counties this summer assessing candidates for the first Academy intake to be based at Loughborough next winter.

In this role he will see more county cricket than England coach Duncan Fletcher or Test captain Nasser Hussain, which is why he is considered good selector material.

He has now abandoned the "pie throwers" insults and is claiming that England has more promising fast bowlers than Australia, which I find very hard to believe.

There is something not quite right about such a devoted Pommie-basher as Marsh suddenly working on our behalf. After all, the Aussies are well known for praising county players they don't rate in order to get them into the Test team.

Still, I'm all for Marsh pressing the claims of the younger element in opposition to Hussain and new one-day captain Michael Vaughan, who both seem to favour picking the best X1 available.

Vaughan says a fit Darren Gough has to be in the team, which might well be the case later in the summer against South Africa. But against a very modest Zimbabwe team England must take the chance to learn more about Harmison, and Anderson if fit, plus wicketkeeper Chris Read and a couple of young batsmen.

SO, it's on to the unhealthy football fans and the rather less-than-shocking revelation that they are putting their hearts under stress by getting over-excited at matches.

Instead of pouring six pints of lager into their pot bellies before leaping out of their seats on what used to be the terraces with a fag in one hand and a pie in the other, they should be taking half an aspirin before the match.

It would also help, presumably, if they sat still and remained totally passive and uninvolved in the action which they have paid half a day's wages to watch.

I can't see it catching on somehow. If a large proportion of fans did take this advice seriously, they would have to take it to its logical conclusion and take the dog for a walk instead of going to matches. And then who would pay Beckham's wages?

IT is very sad to see that the torment raging within Seve Ballesteros is driving him off the rails. It has been obvious for some time that his days as one of the greatest, and most charismatic, golfers the world has seen are long gone.

But he refuses to accept it, and instead of sailing serenely along, enjoying what few good rounds he can in the twilight of his career, he increasingly falls foul of a hierarchy he imagines are victimising him.

Golf may have a few silly rules, but in general it is because the rules and the etiquette are strictly observed that the game remains unsullied by the cheating and nastiness which tarnishes others.

Seve is a legend, but for him to refuse to accept a one-shot penalty for slow play then blatantly alter the score on his card is a recipe for anarchy.

Seve is not a slow player, but unfortunately some of his tee shots these days visit uncharted territory and searching for them is a time-consuming business.

It would be far better if Seve accepted what his body is telling him and retired gracefully, turning out occasionally for events such as the Open to wallow with the rest of us in glorious nostalgia.

Published: 09/05/2003