THE Chelsea Flower Show put the queue into kudos as thousands struggled to capture the same sights and sounds of the world's greatest profusion of plants that the BBC has beamed to the nation all week.

The blue-blazered Hooray Henrys and decorous Henriettas, already enraged at having to stand under Mother Nature's watering system, cried fiercely "just push, it always helps" as my wife and I stood shoulder-to-shoulder and hopelessly trapped in the showground's Ranelagh Way on Tuesday.

Was it the attraction of the gold-winning Laurent-Perrier Show Garden? No, the rubber-neckers in front were hopelessly drawn to cameras filming a growing crop of TV celebrities.

For every allium, this year's "in" plant, there was a Charlie Dimmock, Monty Don, Rachel de Thame or Alan Titchmarsh wending their way through a forest of flashbulbs as TV fans went for the famous rather than the flora.

My wife, spotting a red-clad Diane-Louis Jordan, indicated our pilgrimage to find Newcastle City Council's Lindisfarne Gospel Garden was finally ending. The former Blue Peter presenter was there to include the exhibit in tomorrow's Songs Of Praise on BBC1, as well as launching a new rose named after the programme.

"You are not going to make me climb up that muddy bank," announced my wife as I looked for a way to reach the tiny piece of Tyneside, hidden behind the bandstand. After an unrepeatable remark, she joined me in sneaking through the uncharted side of Chelsea to complete the challenge of tracking down the North-East prizewinners. "If it hadn't been for the Press area to retreat to for a sit down we'd never have survived. How do people cope?" she asked.

Not everyone thinks on their feet. David Dickinson has struggled all week with Bargain Hunt Live (BBC1). Defeated by team scores, audience phone-in votes and mental arithmetic in one show, the dynamic Dickinson groped for a perfect description of one lot and declared straight-faced: "I wish I had a pair of jugs like that."

How any auction room operates properly with the high-decibel David chuntering constantly in one corner is anyone's guess. "I wonder if he's been told to be louder than his suit," said my wife as she spotted a bidder with fingers in ears sitting behind the presenter with the rough antique polish. The recent revelations about DD's early days in prison haven't staunched his ability to bluster on about bargains.

"I used to do a lot of wheeling and dealing when I was a young man," he reassured one team.

Thanks to Bargain Hunt and other shows like Flog It and Cash In The Attic, most of the country must now be wondering if putting granny's old cracked commode in front of eager bidders is a worthwhile exercise. Despite the obvious enthusiasm of the man known as "the Duke", there's more chance of landing gold at Chelsea than tracking down heirlooms worth megabucks.

I look forward to seeing a plant named after the presenter at next year's show. Judging by his current way with words, it may have to be called Total Wistaria.