NOT all nannies are sweet and innocent like Mary Poppins. Those in Soapland tend to think and act like Lucretia Borgia.

If they're not snogging the neighbours (think Margaret in Brookside), then they're scheming and conniving like the current crop of childminders.

In Coronation Street (ITV1), Claire Casey's behaviour would be classified by most as indecent obsession. She arrived in Weatherfield to take care of young Joshua Peacock, but seems much more interested in the welfare of his widowed dad, Ashley the bubble-and-squeak man.

Things get more worrying in the coming week. First, Claire confides in Ashley about her boyfriend and he provides a shoulder to cry on. Then, butcher Ashley is getting on with his business of hacking poor defenceless animals to pieces in his shop when he hears a slushy love song dedication to him on the radio. The sender is - you've guessed - Claire.

Even Ashley gets suspicious when a notice appears in the Weatherfield Gazette announcing their engagement. What would poor Maxine say? Not a lot, of course, as she had her head bashed in by the Street's resident serial killer.

Troubled teens Sarah the schoolgirl mother and Todd the brainy boy reach crisis point in their relationship.

Oxford University-bound Todd gets the old heave-ho from his girlfriend, after she nobly decides that she and her infant would hold him back if they went with him to uni. Todd shows little brainpower when his reaction is to throw in all his studies to stay in Weatherfield.

Round at Underworld, Joe with the Five O'Clock Shadow looks like being handed the business on a plate after embezzling all owner Mike Baldwin's money. Joe had better watch out though, the factory girls could turn ugly when they find out there's no money for payday.

Another nanny, Joanne Ryan, is scheming in EastEnders (BBC1). She wants Dirty Dennis II all to herself, and thinks of a way to do it when she discovers that Kate, Phil's new flame, is Dennis's old flame. Here, we should pause to consider former undercover manicurist Kate's choice of male companions. She seems to be attracted to, shall we say, crooks. Both thug Phil and ex-jailbird Dennis work outside the law - strange companions for a now-ex policewoman. While Phil's away, Joanne is at play - plotting to get Kate and DDII together again. I wouldn't mind betting that Phil will find them in each other's arms on his return from Rio.

Martin Fowler, the tallest man in Soapland, branches out with his criminal activities, adding blackmail to his fast-growing CV. He takes advantage of knowing that Keerna is seeing Tariq behind her dad's back to demand jackets from the Ferreira's market stall in exchange for his silence. If anyone can reach that high, they should give him a good clip round the ear.

Scott gets all paternal in Emmerdale (ITV1) and Chloe teases him when she finds him with baby Jean in his arms. Little does she know - yet - that Scott is the father of the child, the result of a drunken one-night stand with schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addict, arsonist, lesbian vet Zoe. She, in her turn, unwisely selects Debbie the abandoned child as godmother.

Worrying news for Terry and pregnant Dawn. It appears she's been in contact with someone who had German measles and there are worries for the health of their unborn child.

Published: 05/06/2003