Why do governments treat their citizens as cretins? Come on, Tony, your Government is tops when it comes to casting us, the people, as idiots. So share the secret with us.

Let's take this euro business. We all know that the only reason there won't be an early referendum is that you don't believe you can win. We know that the first rule of referendums is to call them only when the desired result is virtually certain.

So you obviously think we are stupid when you present all this stuff about five tests. We recognise the tests as bogus because they don't include any single absolute - like the euro being a certain proportion of the pound - but are entirely matters for the Chancellor's judgement.

So while you and he might think - and you certainly hope - that we defer to the great man's conclusions, the truth is we see the charade for what it is. We aren't daft and, please, please note this, we resent being treated as such.

Same goes for the wider question of the constitution of Europe. Ever since we entered the Common Market the drift of Britain towards becoming a county council of Europe has been clear. With its common foreign policy and control over employment and economic policy, coupled with the primacy of EU law, the proposed constitution is truly a "road map" towards a United States of Europe. And yet we have to put up with Government ministers telling us it does no more than rationalise what has gone before. And for that reason we can't have a referendum on this hugely important matter either.

Of course the real reason is that the more light that is shed on the constitution the more irrelevant will be seen the removal of the word "federal" at Britain's request.

We cretins must not be given obvious signals for alarm. So when the Government announced a £450m rescue package for rural post offices some time ago no mention was made that it needed EU approval - because it could be construed as unfair to the PO's competitors. It's now been endorsed - but the fact is that Britain, Great Britain, is no longer free even to give its own money to its own PO.

But now Gordon Brown and Tony Blair, career adversaries, have jointly launched a campaign round what they call a ""pro-European consensus". In Brown's use of the phrase "patriotic case'' we detect the start of intense brainwashing to ensure that the euro referendum, when it comes, delivers what the Government wants. And the fact that once a government gets its act together it can virtually guarantee winning any referendum - not having called it until victory is assured - shows what a farce our democratic process is.

A more side-splitting farce. To mark the 50th anniversary of her Coronation the Queen has appointed the Princes Andrew and Edward Knight Commanders of the Royal Victorian Order (KCVO). Already a Knight Commander, Prince Michael of Kent has been elevated to a Knight Grand Cross (GCVO). Well, you are rolling about laughing, aren't you?

Beckham to Barcelona for £30m? Small beer. Before you can say "Bend it'' Wayne Rooney will be the first £100m footballer.