Pleasure Seekers (ITV1): Malcolm In The Middle (BBC2)

What Pleasure Seekers needed was Peter Snow with his swingometer. That would have enabled the makers of this series about Brits behaving naughtily to challenge Dirty David's claim to be the King of the Swingers.

We last saw him climbing the Stairway To Heaven at a swingers club in Sheffield called La Chambre, although sleep is the last thing on people's mind. "We're not looking to make love, we are out for sex," declared Jim from Preston, who's been swinging with wife Fiona for eight years.

At least, he's honest, unlike those behind this late night dose of sleaze. The series, we were told, "challenges the view that the British are a reserved nation by exclusively revealing the tales of some ordinary people doing some rather extraordinary things". Roughly translated, that means the programme is an excuse to titilate the viewer with real-life sex stories, coupled with much nudity. Nothing wrong with that, but why not be honest like Eurotrash instead of disguising it as investigative journalism.

We met ex-soldier Peter who, with Dutch wife Manuela, has opened a hotel for swingers in the Pyrenees. For £200 per person per week you get bed, board and as much sex as the owners fancy. Guests are on the menu, with Peter and Manuela - the swinging Basil and Sybil Fawlty - choosing with whom they sleep. They change partners as often as they change the sheets.

Peter explained the advantages of these B&B arrangements. "It's a convenient way of having plenty of sex without the complications and expense of having loads of mistresses. It's more honest and direct," he said.

As Dirty David and girlfriend Jo in the UK set off to investigate Northern swing - which has nothing to be with golf - Keith and Carol were booking into the Pyrenees love nest. Initial impressions were not promising. "My first reaction is no thanks," said Manuela. Peter's comment that "we will not be getting stuck in there" reinforced her view.

He always stands by his woman. "If she doesn't fancy the woman, that's it as far as I'm concerned. I can't say, 'I'll go and give her one' because we do things together," he explained. Clearly, the couple that lays together stays together.

Keith, meanwhile, was trying to find the French for let's have sex on his electronic translator. I fear the only word he was likely to hear was one that he could understand readily enough - "No".

For teenager Rees in US comedy Malcolm In The Middle, pleasure was visiting a cheerleaders camp where the girls hadn't seen a boy for a month. He was asked what it was like. "Imagine 100 fat guys falling down the stairs and knocking down old ladies, multiply that by ten and you're not even close," he replied.

His first day at high school was even more exciting: "It was awesome. They have a special room for detention. They put in juniors and seniors, some of them have records. It was inspiring."

Published: 13/06/2003