ALAN Milburn's decision to give up his £71,433 Cabinet minister's salary to spend more time with his family had yesterday's newspapers covered in confusion.

"Blair is rocked by great Milburn mystery," shouted the Daily Mail. Mr Blair, who struggles with his own work/family juggle, was probably the last person to be shocked by Mr Milburn's decision. What the headline meant was that journalists were rocked by the great Milburn mystery.

Journalists, by and large, are simple people. They like things in easily understandable black-and-white. The Darlington MP's departure, therefore, could not be because he was missing his kids. It had to be because:

a) (preferably) he'd been caught having sex with someone he should not have been

b) he'd fallen out with Tony

c) he'd fallen out with Gordon

d) (last resort) make something up

The tabloids concentrated on a) and Ruth and Al pushed Posh and Becks to the sidelines.

"It's not sex, honest, as minister in charge of nurses quits," chortled the sex-mad Star.

"Milburn and his robust North-East accent carried a powerful sexual aroma," said the Mail.

All the tabloids innuendo'd about one particular "pretty" "ex-GMTV glamour-girl" who worked in the Department of Health press office and was "tearful" at the departure of Mr Milburn. There was, of course, no evidence to substantiate even a flicker of innuendo. So the posher papers turned to b) and c).

To support b), it was claimed that he was badly betrayed by Blair who, in order to win Brown's support for the euro, promised to sack Milburn. They said Blair's reply to Milburn's resignation letter "lacked warmth" - until the Times pointed out that Blair had "heaped praise" on Milburn in the same letter.

So to c). Milburn and Brown had "clashed" over foundation hospitals and, because Milburn had won, Brown wanted him out. Until the Telegraph quoted an insider saying the two had "renewed their marriage vows".

Which left d), which could be made by adding b) to c): Blair falls out with Brown and makes Milburn his successor; Blair realises he needs Brown and so dumps Milburn; Milburn decides to step aside so that in a couple of years he emerges as the untainted leader of the next generation.

The Times had an alternative d). Milburn had resigned because his birth certificate has a blank space where his father's name should be. Conclusion: "Undoubtedly, he has a stronger sense of paternal responsibility than many other politicians."

Such speculation could have been avoided if the Times' psychobabblists had read the first sentence of their front page: "Even with this Cabinet, we should not exclude the possibility that a minister is telling the truth."

YESTERDAY morning a familiar figure stood on Darlington's Bank Top station. He was once employed in the town, but now was just visiting as he'd relocated to Sevenoaks in Kent. It's great, he said. He finished work at 7pm and was home to see his wife Wendy and their two boys by 8.15pm.

He was Michael Fallon, Conservative MP for Sevenoaks who had represented Darlington for nine years until he was unseated in 1992 by Alan Milburn.

He, for one, understood that by 8.15pm Mr Milburn would have reached Peterborough and his sleepyheads in Northumberland would be well on their way to bed.