IF you want to find a classic example of an unmade bed, then most parents don't have to look much further than the nearest child's bedroom.

Imagine (BBC1, Wednesday) brought us scenes of artist (although many wouldn't use the title) Tracey Emin arranging the mess decorously around her infamous £150,000 My Bed at Charles Saatchi's new gallery in London's old County Hall.

She was ecstatic that Saatchi and culinary TV girlfriend Nigella Lawson had removed a dining table to place the exhibit in their home at one stage.

"Saatchi is just using his vast wealth to be controversial and make headlines. I'm a great lover of contemporary art, but you can turn this off," said my wife as the camera focused on a piece depicting life-size barbaric execution.

Saatchi owns most of the controversial art produced in recent years - including Hirst's Shark in formaldehyde and the particularly offensive Marcus Harvey picture of childkiller Myra Hindley made with children's painted handprints.

No wonder Saatchi hasn't done a press interview for 30 years. One artist remarked that today's market for contemporary art had been created by Saatchi. Perhaps they'll pickle him in formaldehyde and put him on show when he dies.

And you thought football was over for another season. "Stop pulling silly faces mum," said my daughter as my wife started impersonating the animated anguish of pundits like Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen and Ian Wright as England struggled at 0-1 down at Middlesbrough's Riverside Stadium in Match Of The Day Live (BBC1, Wednesday).

At least she did better than one female friend who was trying to follow a discussion in church about the Scottish member of the aforementioned footie experts and whispered to me "Who's Alan Hansen?" Who indeed?

Performance coach Kate Marlow, the emerging star of Reality Check (C4, Tuesday) also focused on football. She was invited along by Macclesfield Town Ladies FC to identify why the team played so poorly.

The answers weren't difficult to find: several of the women spent more time kicking the opponents than the ball, the captain couldn't string two words together and the male manager Andy wasn't interested in cooperating with Marlow if it made the team more successful. Ultimately, Andy walked out in protest at criticism of his managerial style and it was hardly surprising in the macho world of football that the women were told by Macclesfield Town officials that they could go but Andy stayed.

The only female slightly interested in football in my house was fascinated by the antics of women who laughed and cried their way through the self-discovery of why they bullied others or hid their feelings.

The programme ended with the news that Macclesfield Town Ladies were still languishing in mid-table.

My wife turned to me, in Gary Lineker fashion, and asked what I thought - a rare request indeed.

The trouble was, most people involved in football coaching at any level could see mumbling Andy was struggling to inspire his players with any confidence. "They want some discipline from you," Kate Marlow told him, amidst a massive burst of laughter for this tongue-in-cheek remark.

Then again, most men would vote to view Tracey Emin's bed rather than coach a women's football team in the first place.