Ultimate Force (ITV1)

EVEN we aren't just allowed to go and shoot people," declared SAS team Red Troop leader Henno Garvie. While hesitating to disagree with someone who's built like a brick wall, I must say that the evidence in the opening episode of the second series of Ultimate Force - or Ultimate Farce, as it's fondly known in the office - told a different story.

Henno and his chums spent the best part of an hour perforating the "enemy" with bullet holes amid spurts of gushing blood and rat-a-tat-tat gunfire. Clearly, most of the budget has been spent on ammunition rather than a decent script.

It was unclear who was doing what to whom, and quite frankly my dear, I didn't give a damn.

Henno and his team interrupted their leisure activities (sex and listening to The Archers, but not at the same time) to investigate a ship that had made an unscheduled repair stop at a British port. Customs had been on board and confirmed she was unladen ("as opposed to Bin Laden," joked one SAS man) but MI5 wasn't happy. Liaison officer Pru Banks ordered Henno to "effect entry and install this", holding up a microphone. First, he had to order Captain Caroline to finish her affair with Henno's right hand man Jamie. Do I detect a spot of jealousy there, Henno, old chap?.

Then our heroes put on their make-up and frogman's suits before diving to gain underwater access. Once aboard, there was much creeping around, pointing guns and whispering to one another.

A discovery, a knife fight and a fatality put the whole plan in jeopardy, leaving Henno and Jamie stuck on the ship while the crew ran around with weapons. No wonder Red Troop's boss Colonel Adrian Dempsey exclaimed, "God help us!" as yet another gun battle broke out.

"What happened here?," asked the policeman arriving at the scene. It was pretty obvious, considering the pile of bloody corpses and discarded weapons strewn about the deck. But before you could say MIT, the colonel sprung into action to claim that his men were allowed 24 hours cool-down after a fire-fight before statements were made.

We left our heroes contemplating the aftermath of the cock-up in the pub, determined not to be too downhearted. After all, there are five more episodes and lots more shooting of innocent people to come. In fact, they all had a jolly good laugh - as professionals always do at the end of this sort of programme - as the barmaid refused Henno's credit card. She was lucky he was in a good mood or he might have shot her.