Sir James' vote of no thanks...

Sir Paul, former chairman of Vaux Breweries in Sunderland, declines to disclose the other two since they were "somewhat ribald."

A plodge around the Internet is similarly unforthcoming, save to reveal that Sir James - killed in a car crash in January 1980 - was himself chairman of Reyrolle-Parsons and of NEI on Tyneside and may thus have had reason to understand chocolate fireguard syndrome by proxy.

There is nothing, however, about his other two definitions of uselessness.

Sir Paul is at Royal Ascot with the former Vaux horses - now at Beamish Museum - and can add no more.

It is doubtless for that reason alone, of course, that in seven years as chairman of the Albany Northern League, the column has never once been accorded a vote of thanks.

It was for Northern League reasons that Brian Hastings wrote on behalf of Class J3B at Whitburn Junior School, though the former pit village between Sunderland and South Shields has never had a Northern League side.

Whitburn has, however, produced 44 Football league men - a record for any community of its size, claims Brian - including five Smith brothers who played at the top level.

Their father answered to Buggins, though no one can explain why. Perhaps it was just his turn.

Other Whitburn warriors have included John Barton Grimwood, 200 games for Manchester United in the 1920s, Jimmy Seed, England international and legendary Charlton Athletic manager, and Billy Robinson, known in those parts as Oddie, who was in Charlton's 1947 Cup winning side under Seed, scored a four minute hat-trick for West Ham against Man United and in 1959 became manager of Hartlepools.

Dennis Thompson was in the Guinness Book as the first man to score a hat-trick on his Football League debut, Alan Douglass and Jimmy Stafford were in West Auckland's 1961 Amateur Cup final side, the great Raich Carter played for both Whitburn Juniors and Whitburn St Mary's, given half a crown by a perceptive villager who considered him the bonniest footballer he'd ever seen.

But to return to Brian Hastings, whose grandad played for Rotherham United and Barrow, and to his class of eight-year-olds at Whitburn Village school.

Since their teacher is something of a Northern League nut, Class J3B contacted all 41 clubs - an exercise in letter writing originally; many children no longer know how to write a proper letter, he says - to ask for a copy of the programme.

"All kids need is a bit of enthusiasm and they're away," insists Brian.

Over a drink on Monday evening, we were also able to hand over some more Northern League stuff, including the millennium history, which will form part of a parents' day exhibition.

Brian's also an author, it transpired.

In 1989, while still working in packaging - his subsequent degree majored in PE and theology, what might be termed a spiritual exercise - he produced a history of football in his native village.

There'd been Whitburn Mechanics and Whitburn Methodists, Whitburn Villa, Whitburn Bankhands and Whitburn St Mary's, many of them playing on the Highcroft ground with its familiar slope and its tram car tea hut.

Now it's allotments, and an extension to the cemetery.

Wherever it wandered, however - and to the village's renowned cricketers, too - his book returned to the Smiths, an extraordinary band of brothers.

Buggins had seven sons. Jackie, the eldest - "one of football's all time greats," says Brian - won three England caps, twice represented the Football league and appeared in two pre-war FA Cup finals with Portsmouth.

His brother Billy also appeared in Pompey's 1934 Wembley team - one of 400 appearances - whilst Leicester City, their semi-final opponents, had kept it in the family with a third brother, Septimus, known as Seppy.

Classical scholars will already have concluded that he was the youngest.

Thomas, nicknamed Tosser for perhaps less obvious reasons, played for Leicester and Man United, was outstanding in the village cricket team and died at 33. Joe also played for Leicester.

The other two, says Brian Hastings, had long careers in local football.

To him, and to Class J3B, thanks for the memories.

We are also grateful to Brian Hastings's little book for evidence that transport problems aren't just a latter day encumbrance. The wheels were coming off years ago.

Travelling to Murton for a cup match in 1920, the Whitburn team had reached Barley Mow bank when an axle on the brake came off.

A passing motorcyclist was asked to send back the supporters' vehicle, a mile ahead.

At Dalton-le-Dale the brake's brakes broke (following this?) and the conveyance rushed downhill "at an alarming speed", fatalities avoided only by the coolness of the driver and a sudden rise in the road.

Same bank, return journey, the brake ran backwards - "causing more alarm" - whilst another brake down in Fawcett Street, Sunderland, meant that the players had finally to abandon it.

Singing "This is the end of a perfect day", they made their way home on foot.

The cash-strapped Football Association has found another way of raising money - the annual affiliation fee for "full members" is likely to double from £117.50 to £235.

Though the increase has yet to be approved by tomorrow's FA Council meeting in Torquay, invoices have already gone out.

"Full members", who have voting rights, include all Premiership and Football League clubs plus long established smaller clubs like Shankhouse, Stanley United and ten Albany Northern League members.

If the increase goes ahead, it will mean that Manchester United, who are VAT registered, will pay £35 less for FA membership than Evenwood Town, who aren't.

Like the first swallow, the column's first ball of the cricket season becomes annually later, finally dotted down at 2.25pm on Wednesday by the comfortably-built Graeme Bridge of Durham II.

They played Lancashire II at Hartlepool, the crowd on the ground amounting to 11 men and a dog - not, sadly, Mr Ron Hails and their Patch - and the crowd in the clubhouse to 13.

Critics' Corner was querulously empty, the sticky wicket outfield no more heavily populated. Lancashire were 54-4 off 38 overs. On the clubhouse television they watched Laurel and Hardy trying to move a piano in preference to the cricket, the dimwit duo finally joined by about six others.

"It looks like our committee," someone said, unkindly.

Two more wickets had fallen, around 20 more runs scored, when at 3 15 it started raining again.

Perhaps the action men were up at Chester-le-Street for the Twenty/20 vision. At Hartlepool, cricket seemed decidedly seconds best.

Tuesday's column was mistaken to suppose that Trevor Ford was "the original Ford popular." The first appeared in 1935, turned over 8hp, had windscreen wipers which went more slowly going uphill and seats which (said a later critic) were like sitting in a coal scuttle.

They were cheaper than Trevor Ford, too - Britain's only £100 car - though the 1953 model had accelerated to £390. The last of that Popular acclaim was produced in 1962.

Peter Charlton, meanwhile, offers video proof of Trevor Ford's improbable involvement in the match at Swansea in which Sobers hit six sixes in an over.

The video's called Vintage Cricket. "Look closely," says Peter, mainstay of Philadelphia third team, "and you can see him trying to stop the fourth as it goes sailing over his head."

"Anyone except Trevor Ford," he adds, "would have just got out of the way."

Link ed, though the chain grows ever longer, Steve Smith discovers one of cricket's lesser-known records.

It's from Lancashire v Leicestershire, 1956, the visitors dismissed for 108 after a washed out first day. Openers Jack Dyson and Alan Wharton put on 166 in reply before Edrich declared. Leicester, 96-3 at lunch on the final day, added just 27 more in 49 minutes.

Wharton and Dyson, who'd scored for Manchester City in that year's FA Cup final, knocked them off without loss.

It remains the only instance in first class cricket when just two batsmen have gone to the wicket in both innings of a match.

And finally...

Back to England v New Zealand at Lord's 1986 - the only time (Backtrack, June 17) when a Test side has used four wicketkeepers in the same match.

Bruce French was injured during England's first innings, Bill Athey took over for two overs, the retired Bob Taylor was persuaded to leave a hospitality tent for the following 70 overs until Bobby Parks of Hampshire arrived to complete the job. Today, back across the border. Which Welsh-born scrum half partnered Rob Andrew in 22 rugby internationals for England? Thanks but no thanks, the column returns on Tuesday.

Published: 24/06/2003