ROY and Hayley Cropper have never been Soapland's most normal Mr and Mrs. He's a mild-mannered chap who wouldn't say boo to a goose and she's a transsexual formerly known as Harold.

Now, as we know, Roy was given a date rape drug and taken to bed by that minx Tracy Preston, although we still regard her as Tracy Barlow. Changing her name can't hide that she's a thoroughly unpleasant girl with nasty habits and Coronation Street (ITV1) would be better off without her.

Our wish comes true as Tracy jets off on holiday, knowing full well that she's pregnant. We know it's certainly not an immaculate conception - and quite honestly, the thought of Roy and Tracy in bed is giving us sleepless nights - and besides, Tracy has been bedding every available male in Weatherfield so the father could be virtually anyone. Apart from Norris, that is, although after the Roy and Tracy episode, it's clear the imagination of the storyliners knows no limits.

Roy has to deal with the return of his beloved Hayley from a sick relative. Being the twerp that he is, he can't keep his gob shut and confesses all to Hayley. Or as much as he can remember, as he's somewhat hazy about the details of his dangerous liaison with temptress Tracy.

Another youngster, Katy, has man trouble too. She's fed up with her parents meddling in the love live of Martin, the older man with whom she's having an hush-hush affair. They don't realise the naughty nurse is having it away with their teenage daughter and try to fix him up with factory girl Sonia. It could push Katy into telling all about his secret passion.

Surely all the money in the world wouldn't make scheming Janine take up with Barry, the most boring man in Soapland. This fat cat garage owner is dithering over signing his divorce papers in Eastenders (BBC1). Not a girl with a compassionate nature, Janine moves into the B&B to avoid catching something nasty from Barry's sick son Jack (don't worry, Janine, being boring isn't catching) - only to discover, to her horror, that Nat's moved back in with her estranged husband. It'll take all Janine's ingenuity to come up with a plan to evict Nat.

Over at the Vic, the girls are having a saucy party which, as far as I can gather, has nothing to do with tomato ketchup. Spencer and Alfie are eager to spy on the naughty goings-on, but get more than they bargained for when they overhear Kat's confession.

Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), it's the old dears that are getting all randy with Pearl's flirtatious behavior annoying stick-in-the-mud Edna. Meanwhile, Len psyches himself up to make a confession to the woman he loves. Don't tell me, he wants to tell her that he's been fiddling his pension which, at his age, is probably all he is fiddling with.

Girl trouble too for young Robert. For reasons known only to the writers, both Donna and Elaine continue to vie for his affections. Surely, there's not such a shortge of young, fit males in the village that they have to argue over this streak of arrogance.

Elsewhere, Steph shows her caring side when Alan Turner is taken ill. She immediately gets angry on discovering that she's not included in his will. She'll probably take back those grapes she gave him in hospital.

Published: 31/07/2003