'I KNEW Queen Victoria. I used to say to her 'Vicky, come home and have a cup of tea'," said my exasperated wife as the question of history, and our age, intrigued the children this week.

It was all the fault of TV's newest mad professor Garry Lavin who is attempting to tell us about the evolution of household devices in Every Home Should Have One (BBC2, Tuesday). Lavin is another of those slightly insane, know-it-all Northern males who is forever pulling things apart to find out how they work... and leaving the mess for someone else to sort out.

You could tell how impressed my wife was with Mr Lavin already, but to make matters worse the man started scurrying around the Orkneys, in search of Fred Flintstone examples of early household heating and lighting.

Two sheep brought into the living room was a two-bah heating source, that kind of thing. By the time he was chuckling over ancient examples of gas appliances, such as a fridge, hair-dryer and radio, my wife's patience had snapped.

"Yes, we used to own a gas-powered fridge when we were first married. That's why I'm actually 745 years old and your father is 760," she told our young people, who were finding Mr Lavin quite fascinating. I had to object at this point and explain that I only actually felt like I was 750, give or take about 700 years. I'm pleased to note that Mr Lavin will always remain one year older them me and caught the eye of BBC programme-makers as a designer, inventor, sculptor and cartoonist, having driven a Land Rover in London for So You Think You're A Good Driver?

The former art lecturer, who the Rochdale Observer has already laid claim to as a local hero, probably found it was easier making a TV series than finding his way home on the M25. He's moving on to washing, cleaning and cooking in coming weeks. So will my wife be following his examples? "Why should a woman have to be interested in all this, I find the suggestion rather sexist," she said, slamming the fridge door. Would she be any more impressed to learn that Mr Lavin customises Land Rovers for a living?

That's a little like telling her that muck-and-brass merchant Fred Dibnah was returning for a new series this week - Fred Dibnah's Age Of Steam (BBC2, Tues). Sadly, the Bolton thunderbolt has lost his appeal among the TV landscape of Location, Location, Location Revisited (C4, Wednesday), that's a genetically modified repeat, and Bargain Hunt (BBC1, Thursday) featuring a bluffed-up old buffer.

On my own behalf, I have to confess I'm struggling with Neighbours (BBC1) having been given a two-week reprieve thanks to the tennis. Dirty Doc Darcy has just flattened pregnant Lyn while burgling his aunt Susan's house to pay off his gambling debts. And Valda, who has a strange enough Northern accent to help out Garry Lavin with his chores, is really Lyn's secret mother.

"But, you'll have to talk about Neighbours," said my wife, "I haven't said anything else worth quoting this week.

Published: 19/07/2003