Teachers (Ch 4): FORGET the summer holidays, this show is enough to make every parent want to keep their children home from school permanently.

The teachers at Summerdown School don't worry about lesson plans and exam results - instead they spend their time debating the important things in life like relationships, drinking and having fun.

They insult their pupils, snog each other in the back of cars and throw down the gauntlet in drinking competitions.

The first episode in the new series dealt with the age-old dilemma of whether men and women can ever be just good friends.

But forget the gentle humour of When Harry Met Sally, instead we were treated to deliciously politically incorrect conversations about whether fat women could ever be attractive and how men are totally incompetent in bed.

Brian convinced himself that Lindsay, the new biology teacher, must fancy him because she is 'healthy in a big way' and according to his twisted lad-logic, all big women fancy all men.

No amount of withering looks and brush-offs could convince him otherwise and his adolescent behaviour left you desperate for him to carry on his fruitless hunt for a night of passion.

As well as looking out for his love life, Brian was creating chaos in the classroom.

When he asked one overweight child why he was going bald so young he was told "I've got a vitamin deficiency."

Feeling no embarrassment, Brian shot the chubby child a withering look and said in all innocence "How can you be deficient in anything?"

It's this total disregard for taste, ethics or boundaries that makes this show such compulsive viewing.

Teachers is a more subtle version of The Office - you know that something excruciatingly embarrassing is about to happen but you can't turn away.

And it's not just the younger members of staff who were up to no good - the more senior ones were sleeping in their cars and dealing with heavy drinking problems.

Only those who teach at inner-city comprehensives will know how much this show touches on reality - but who cares how true to life it is?

Wiping away the tears of laughter after yet another shocking line, you wonder why this show isn't used as a tongue-in-cheek recruitment video for the ailing teaching profession.

If only school days were this much fun we'd all be fighting to get back to the classroom.

Published: 07/08/2003